


kiss from a rose

by mihaly



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Hand Jobs, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-06-29 23:52:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15739848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mihaly/pseuds/mihaly
Summary: Alexis is starring in a reality-dating show, and David might be falling in love with one of the contestants.





	1. white roses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [strictlybecca](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strictlybecca/gifts).



> So I picked a premise that was WAY bigger than the allotted time for the exchange lmao. But I wanted to post parts of it so you know I didn't give up on it! I have NO idea how long it's gonna be, but I know it will include sex at some later chapter (none in this first one). Sorry it's not finished!!
> 
> Hope you enjoy it and it's as romantic as you'd like!!

While David Rose would admit he liked romcoms as much as the next person, he would be reticent to say he wanted one of his own. He’d been burned one too many times by people – regardless of gender – who would give the illusion of romance but the minute they were exclusive, their definition of romance suddenly included a MDMA-fueled orgy on a yacht in Seychelles that David was not invited to.

So naturally, when a producer approached his sister Alexis to star in her own reality-dating series, David was beyond bitter. He was discreet with his own romantic desires, sure, but that didn’t mean he was completely disinterested!

The show, _Kiss From a Rose_ , starred Alexis Rose, the daughter of video store magnate Johnny Rose. Over the course of several weeks, she would choose one man out of 15 who could be “the one” who would help her take over the company – which was another thing David was bitter about. Why couldn’t he take over the business? And seriously, why Alexis?

“You don’t even _like_ those shows,” David said to her in the car on the way home after she signed the contract.

“Um, I’ve always liked those shows, David,” Alexis corrected him. He knew she was lying. “I even watched _The Bachelor_ in season 18, even though I dated Juan-Pablo.”

“You were dating him _while_ he was on the show!”

“That is so not the point, David,” she said.

“So, what is the point?”

“We need money. Aren’t you tired of living in Schitt’s Creek?”

She had him there.

The caveat of the show, as the producer pitched, was that the Rose family was completely broke and neither the contestants nor the public would know. With all the chaos in the news, the Roses’ fall from grace was a mere blip. In the end they would discover Alexis had no money and it’d be a test of love over wealth.

(“Like _Joe Millionaire_ except you actually _had_ money,” the producer said.)

The show wanted to include the entire family in production, which suited Moira just fine. She was more than thrilled to be in front of the camera even for just five minutes. Johnny quietly loved the attention too. They were to play the supportive parents, excited to pass the business down to their daughter.

David, however, had been assigned the role of the bitter, jealous older brother.

As if he needed a producer to cast him like that.

* * *

 

Everyone was abuzz for the first day of filming.

The 15 eligible bachelors had been selected and kept a secret from the family in order to capture their real reactions. The men and the Roses would be living in the mansion for three weeks as Alexis whittled down her options to one.

It was a blessing the entire family was going to be staying in the mansion, because David knew his mother would have had a meltdown knowing her daughter was living their old life while she slept in squalor at the Schitt’s Creek Motel.

The production was prepping for the men’s arrivals later that evening. According to the call sheet, David wasn’t needed until the late afternoon for his testimonial. He took advantage of his little free time by quietly sunning in a lounge chair and sulking. He had already made enemies with the wardrobe department by criticizing every option they had made for him, so there wasn’t much else for him to do.

“You know you made the wardrobe supervisor cry, right?” a dry voice said behind him.

It was Stevie, one of the line producers. She was the one person on the production he had accidentally warmed to. She held out a bottle of San Pellegrino for him to take.

“Did you see the Givenchy she tried to put me in?” he said, tilting his head to look up at her. “It was from two seasons ago. If she’s trying to go for currently wealthy, she probably shouldn’t put me in previous catalogs.”

“She was probably trying to match your current wardrobe,” she said.

“Which is at least two years old. Anyone who has a kindergartner’s knowledge of fashion would be able to tell.”

“Well, you didn’t need to tell her that and then throw the sweaters in the trash.”

“Okay, in my defense, I didn’t know that was a trash can,” David said.

“It had to-go containers in it.”

“Well,” he said with a huff. “My statement still stands.”

“Okay,” Stevie said dryly as she sat down on the chaise with him. “Production wanted me to go over with you what’s happening tonight.”

“You mean pulled the short straw?”

“Yes,” she answered sarcastically. “I pulled the short straw on doing my job.”

David sighed and sat back against the lounge chair.

“The plan is to have you, Mrs. Rose, and Mr. Rose all standing just inside the door to greet the bachelors as they arrive—”

“What are we supposed to say to them? ‘ I’m so glad you’re here to woo my sister. Oh, and by the way, we’re actually poor and she shares a motel room with me.’”

“Um, okay, so don’t say that,” Stevie said satirically. “Just tell them you’re happy to have them here and give them some of that gay wit.”

David’s eyebrows could not have been raised any higher.

“’Gay wit’?! What—"

As if she had anticipated that reaction, Stevie pulled out her phone and showed him her texts with the producers. Clear as day, the executive producer had used that exact phrase in his texts to the other producers regarding David.

“Am I putting on a minstrel show for the world?” he asked.

“We’re making a reality-dating show that involves deceiving not only the audience but the contestants,” she replied.

“So, yes.”

“Do you approve of Alexis doing this show?”

“No.”

“Will you approve of whomever she ends up with?”

“No.”

“So, it’s not a minstrel show if you’re just being yourself,” Stevie said. “It’ll make good television, which is why we’re here.”

David sighed. He knew that was the whole point. It was to make money for the family. Knowing Alexis, she’d break-up with the final guy an hour after the finale and start season 2 immediately. She’s shrewd. She’s good at seeing the bottom line and the benefits of a situation without getting her heart involved. It wasn’t about finding someone to spend the rest of her life with.

The quiet bitterness simmered low in David’s stomach.

“I don’t like any of this, but I’m tired of sharing a motel room with my sister,” David said sourly.

“That’s the spirit,” Stevie said. She patted his leg as she stood up, staring into a middle distance, clearly listening to a voice in her headset. “You’re needed on set in an hour to meet the bachelors. Meanwhile, I have to convince your mom to come out of her trailer. Something about her wig being mishandled…?”

“Oh, you’ll probably have to fire whoever did it,” David said, grimacing. “Or things will get nasty.”

“Great,” she sighed before leaving.

David watched her disappear around the corner. He was finally alone again.

He was not looking forward to meeting all these amazing, beautiful men production had picked out for Alexis, especially knowing that they were all exclusively there for her. Once again, everyone would be paying attention to Alexis and no one would be there for him.

If there were ever a theme of his life…

He’d probably have to settle flirting with someone in production. Not the worst thing (there were several attractive folks working for them), but apart from Stevie, mostly everyone kept him at arms’ length. Separating talent from crew, he guessed. It’d been a while since he’d been on a reality show and even then, the last one was only a friend’s. He’d flirted with one of the PAs then and ended up sleeping with her, but she wasn’t interested in anything else.

David sighed and sunk into the lounge chair. He closed his eyes, imagining himself in Alexis’s shoes, choosing between two men he’s deeply in love with at the end of several weeks…

“David! David, where are you?! David!”

His mother’s shrill voice calling for him jerked him awake.

He glanced around, taking in the world around him. The sun was just peeking over the horizon, having mostly set over the last hour. He’d momentarily forgotten where he was, but the sight of his mother in an oddly-shaped gold dress with a large white ruff around her neck reminded him.

“David, there you are!” she said as she approached him. Stevie was hot on her heels.

“Mrs. Rose,” Stevie said as she tried to slow her down. “We need you back on set. I can take care of David.”

“David, we need you in the proper attire to meet your sister’s suitors,” Moira said, completely ignoring Stevie. “Have you been sleeping? Because now you need to brush your teeth. You know how your breath gets after your mouth has been shut for a while.”

David glanced at Stevie, seeking help.

“I’m fine, and that stopped being a problem after I was 15,” David said as he got up from the lounge chair.

“Mrs. Rose—”

“Are you sure, David?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Mrs. Rose, we need you back on set—”

“Mom, go with Stevie—”

Stevie gently took Moira’s arm and steered her back toward set.

“You’d better hurry, David,” Moira said. “You’re not high enough on the call sheet to dilly-dally!”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” David told her. Stevie glanced back at him and he silently thanked her.

David took a deep breath. This was going to be a nightmare.

* * *

 

The production was crowded in the atrium of the mansion where the Rose family awaited the first bachelor. The plan was to have the suitors meet Alexis outside, similar to other reality-dating shows, but as soon as they come inside, they immediately meet the family they have to impress. The contestants weren’t told they were meeting the family, so the entertainment was in the surprise.

David thought it was unfair to the men to be ambushed by his family, but it wasn’t his show to run and it showed on his face. He had a dozen better ideas, yet production only really listened to two of them. His first was that the family should be able to spend time alone with the bachelors (you know, to get to know them without Alexis around) and that Alexis should be waiting outside when they first arrive.

The bachelors were to arrive any moment and Alexis was still standing right next to David inside the foyer.

“David, would you smile?” Alexis asked him through gritted teeth.

“Absolutely not,” he said. “I’ve watched you do this at least four times before and the fact it’s being televised will not make me fake enthusiasm. Besides, aren’t you supposed to be outside to greet the bachelors?”

She ran her hands anxiously over her stomach.

“Yes, I am,” she said, her words a little stilted. “But I’m just waiting for the go ahead from production.” Her eyes darted from him to the door and then some middle-distance where the medic was standing.

“Are you feeling alright?” he asked. She determinedly fixed her gaze on him.

“Yeah, yup, I’m fine,” she said. Her body language betrayed her words.

“Because if you’re going to puke, you need to tell someone. I don’t want to be here to deal with that because I retired from holding your hair back like, 10 years ago.”

“I’m not going to puke, David,” she said with a wobble in her voice. “I’m just… taking my time.”

Just then, Stevie poked her head inside the front door.

“Alexis, we need you outside. The first suitor will be here any minute,” Stevie said.

Alexis took a deep breath. David rolled his eyes. She was letting it get to her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“It’ll be like that summer you spent in Bora Bora,” David reminded her. “Lots of men who want to be around you constantly and they’ll all fall in love with you. And just like Bora Bora, two of them will ask you to marry them. Except this time, you have to say yes to one.”

She exhaled heavily. Stevie glanced between Alexis and David.

“We ready?” she asked.

“Yeah, yes,” Alexis said, turning on her most self-assured smile. She picked up her dress and followed Stevie out the door.

David didn’t quite understand where the nervousness was coming from. She’d been in a dozen different reality shows since she was 9, so this was new. She would be fine like she always was. Leave it to Alexis to be the most confident person in the room.

He glanced over to his parents who were both staring at him oddly.

“That was very sweet, David,” Moira said, gently petting his arm.

“Yes, son, very kind,” his dad added.

“Were you both watching that?” David asked defensively.

“What? We’re not allowed to watch our children be nice to each other for a change?” Johnny asked. David rolled his eyes. “It’s a nice change!”

“Can you focus on your daughter who’s about to meet 15 guys, one of whom will become her possible husband yet all of whom she’ll sleep with?” David shot back, desperately wanting to change the subject.

“Alright, alright,” Johnny said with his hands up in surrender.

Moira’s eyes lingered on David a bit longer before she caught the attention of an unlucky PA.

David leaned on the bannister of the grand staircase in what some might say was a pout. He wasn’t pouting. The wardrobe supervisor somehow magically procured a Gucci sweater in the six hours since David spoke with her. They were going to make a far bit of money from doing this show. The whole family got to sleep in the mansion. Craft services was amazing.

Yet, David was pouting.

Alexis was going to get the fame and glory (and husband), and David was going to get to spend the next couple weeks worrying about her.

“Alright! First suitor has arrived!” the line producer announced to the room. “To your marks, everyone!”

David picked himself up and trudged over to stand next to his mother. Moira gave him the same look she gave him earlier before tugging gently on his elbow.

“What?” David whispered harshly.

“Maybe season two they’ll match you up,” she responded kindly. Since they had moved to Schitt’s Creek, Moira had been much better at her motherly duties and had paid better attention to her children’s needs.

David sighed and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t let on how badly he wanted that to happen. His romantic life was better in Schitt’s Creek than it was before because he wasn’t dating horrible people. In fact, he wasn’t dating at all.  At least in being set up on a reality-dating show would keep safe parameters on the relationship, right?

The crew with earpieces in all seemed to go completely still, all clearly listening to instructions over the radio waves.

“He’s going to come inside,” the line producer said quickly to the Roses.

The first bachelor was really here. This was really happening.

“Quiet on set!”

“Sound.”

“Speeding.”

“Camera.”

“Rolling.”

The slate marked the take and the second camera assistant scurried back to safety behind the camera.

“Action!”

The wooden door swung open and David braced himself for the long night ahead of them.

* * *

 

Only five suitors had walked through the door so far and David was ready for a large glass of wine or, at the very least, a nap. They were required to grill the bachelor on what his intentions with Alexis were. All of the bachelors had similar answers, saying they were looking for love, think Alexis is beautiful and smart, blah blah blah. All definitely Alexis’s type.

And because it was reality TV, of course all of them were completely gorgeous.

He could look but he couldn’t touch.

Not like he wanted to. He really didn’t want to develop an interest in anyone who would agree to be on a reality-dating show.

But then again, here he was.

David felt his brain melting through his ears. The sixth suitor had just been cleared to pass them to the main room where they’ll do a group-meet with the whole family once everyone had arrived. By his estimate, David guessed they’d be wrapping for the night around 3am.

The money better be worth it.

The seventh suitor had arrived and was outside with Alexis. David leaned against the statue that was positioned behind his mark. His feet were killing him, and they only had a short break between bachelors #5 and #6 where he only had enough time to grab a couple pastries. He was coming down from the sugar rush and growing increasingly frustrated with the situation he’d gotten himself into.

“David, stand up,” Johnny said, nudging David’s arm. “If you’re going to be like this now, it’s going to be a long night for you.”

“Um, we’ve been meeting men Alexis will be dating for the last four hours,” David said. “It’s already been a long night.”

“David, we’re here to support Alexis. We need to be here for her,” Moira chimed in.

“And the paycheck,” David added.

Moira paused before echoing, “And the paycheck.”

Stevie gave the signal from outside that bachelor #7 was about to enter the mansion. All three of the Roses straightened themselves for the next iteration of the same dry conversation.

The oak door swung open and a guy in a well-tailored suit jacket and mid-range denim jeans entered. His open, clean-shaven face was bright with a full smile. He immediately approached Johnny with his hand fully extended.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Rose,” the bachelor said. “I’m Patrick.”

“Oh, that’s a firm handshake there!” Johnny said, pleasantly surprised.

“I’m a big fan of your business,” Patrick said.

“You don’t say!” Johnny was beaming from ear to ear.

“Hope to talk to you more about it later.”

“Absolutely!”

David thought he was laying it on a little thick.

Patrick moved to Moira where he shook her hand, but clearly not as firmly as with Johnny.

“It’s lovely to meet a television star in the flesh, Mrs. Rose,” Patrick said charmingly.

“Oh, you’re too kind,” Moira said demurely, then immediately followed with, “What was your favorite of my appearances?”

David expected this to be where Patrick faltered. He probably hadn’t anticipated the follow-up question. But as smooth as the first comment, Patrick answered without hesitation.

“Oh, definitely _Paradise Cove_ ,” he said. “That episode where you had to act opposite the potted plant on the balcony? Genius.”

Moira raised her eyebrows.

“It was a masterclass in working with inanimate acting partners,” Moira said as a fact.

“Agreed.”

She continued to watch Patrick as he moved on to David. There was no way he was going to impress David like he did his parents. Both Johnny and Moira were known for their individual achievements in the public and had been in the news many, many times. David, however, was only in the news when politely mentioned by a journalist in an article about Johnny or Moira. Unlike Alexis, David kept his nose relatively clean. Only if he were in the upper crust of Manhattan would Patrick know who David was.

Patrick held out his hand and David took it. His skin was minutely calloused, as if he had done farmwork a lot as a teenager and is now healing his hands with a good lotion. It was certainly something David could appreciate.

David opened his mouth to speak, but Patrick cut him off.

“David Rose,” Patrick said with a delicate smile. “I loved the look you curated for the spring 2013 Hugo Boss collection. Especially the shoes.”

David followed the long line of Patrick’s legs down to his feet. There, were the pair of brown leather wingtip Oxford boots he had indeed selected for his model. He was struck by the specificity of his reference and the fact he was _wearing the shoes_.

David was speechless.

“Um, It’s nice to meet you, Patrick,” he finally replied. “Do you think those shoes are going to help you win Alexis’s heart?”

“Well, I know I’ll only win her heart if I win yours first,” Patrick said.

David gave what was probably the most uncomfortable laugh he’s ever produced in his life. Then, in the briefest of seconds, he swore he saw Patrick’s eyes dart down to David’s mouth and linger there for just a moment too long.

David’s breath caught in his throat. Did he just see what he thought he saw?

Before he could process what just happened, Patrick was gone, exiting out the doors to join the men in the other room.

David was definitely imagining things. There was no way one of the suitors for Alexis’s reality-dating show was hitting on him. He glanced over at production where Stevie was. He must’ve had a look on his face because she immediately furrowed her brow and mouthed, ‘What’s wrong?’ He’d tell her at the next break.

* * *

 

Over the next few hours, they met bachelor after bachelor, each just as charming as the last. Many of them looked the same. So their faces all blended together.

Except one.

David was starting to get itchy. He needed to talk to Stevie about what happened. He needed to stop thinking about it. He needed to start paying attention to the bachelors because he stopped listening to anything they said. Whatever he was saying back to them was on autopilot. It was apparently good enough that no producers or directors stopped him for comments.

Normally, David would have taken in each individual man and made a small mental who-to-do list (even if that never happened). They were all stunningly beautiful – as was the tradition on reality TV – but only one stuck out.

“Cut!” the director yelled. Immediately, people behind the camera began moving, getting ready for the next phase of the evening. It was already incredibly late, but they needed to get one last scene with the whole family and all the bachelors in the parlor. Production began moving cameras in equipment into the room when David made a beeline for Stevie.

“Um, can I talk to you privately for a moment?” David said.

Stevie nodded and let herself be pulled by the elbow into a small powder room off the hallway. David shut the door behind them.

“Did you see that?” he asked like a madman.

“See what? See you telling the last guy he looks like a wool sweater that got thrown in the dryer?” Stevie retorted.

“I mean, you did see that though, right?” David said. “He clearly raided his much taller and much more handsome brother’s closet for that suit.” This was not what he wanted to talk about, but it was a conversation that needed to happen.

“Did you really have to pull me into a bathroom to talk about this? The rest of production agrees with you. Well, except Twyla who cast the guy. And who names their son _Mutt_?”

“No, No,” David said. “I wanted to ask if you saw when Patrick talked to me.”

“Um, we all did, David. And soon all of America will, too.”

“Okay, but did you see that final look he gave me?”

She stared at him expectantly. She wasn’t getting it. David grunted in frustration.

“He said something about winning my heart first then stared at my mouth like he wanted to kiss me,” he explained frantically.

Stevie’s brow furrowed.

“Are you sure you’re not just imagining things?” she asked.

“No! That’s why I’m asking you if you saw it!”

She leaned against the sink, taking David’s desperation in.

“I mean, he could be into you,” she said seriously, though David guessed she was likely messing with him.

“Um, he’s here for Alexis. Why would he be into me?”

“Well, _you’re_ into all sorts of people,” she said. “Why can’t anyone else?”

David groaned and pointed in the direction of the parlor.

“Because no one who looks like him and signs up for a _reality-dating competition_ ever is,” he argued.

The corners of Stevie’s mouth tensed briefly into a smirk.

“You know something,” he accused.

“I know that you’re being ridiculous,” Stevie said, breaking into a full smile.

David huffed. Suddenly he didn’t know what to do with his hands. He eventually rested them on his hips out of frustration.

“How am I being ridiculous in thinking that a guy who’s here to compete for Alexis is interested in me after a brief conversation—okay, now that I’m hearing it back, it does sound ridiculous,” he finally agreed.

She was right. He was imagining things and was being utterly juvenile. Maybe he just wanted him to be interested since it had been so long since he’d had anyone. Okay, that was a partial lie. He and Stevie had slept together about two weeks into pre-production after a night of very, very heavy drinking. It’d been a long time since he’d had anyone he wanted to date. He’d dated some truly awful people and Patrick seemed so pure. By precedence alone, he wasn’t David’s type.

Nice people didn’t want to be with David Rose. Especially ones who were on reality-dating shows competing for his sister’s love.

“So now that we’ve determined you’re being delusional,” Stevie said. “We should probably get out of here before someone thinks we’re having sex. Wouldn’t want that to get back around to Patrick.”

“Die, please,” David said coldly.

Stevie smirked and opened the door. Just as they were exiting, the on-set medic passed by. He was carrying his supply bag.

“Hey, you two,” the medic said, impressed. “Sneaking in a little—” He made a gesture with his hand and mouth that was both suggestive and offensive.

“What an elegant gesture, Ted,” David said, crossing his arms. It bothered him that more than just he and Stevie knew of their previous trysts. Stevie, on the other hand, was blushing.

“Why are you coming back from set?” she asked him pointedly, utilizing her position to pivot away from this embarrassing conversation.

“Oh, Alexis tripped coming in from outside,” Ted explained. “Her heel got caught on the cobblestone and just shattered her ankle. Like—” He made an explosion sound as his hands mimicked the explosion.

“ _What?!_ ” both Stevie and David said. Ted instantly broke out in a grin and put his hands up in surrender.

“I’m kidding! She did trip, but she’ll be fine. Shouldn’t run a 10k tomorrow morning, but she’ll be good with whatever you’re having her do tonight,” he said. His smile wilted as he kept talking, presumably sensing Stevie’s annoyance.

“Go back to your tent, Ted,” she said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Ted saluted before walking away. Stevie’s fingers moved from her nose to her ear as she once again, stared into some middle distance.

“Alright, I’ve gotta go deal with this ankle situation,” she said to David. “And production needs you in the parlor for the rose ceremony.”

The amount of ‘rose’ puns they squeezed into the show was nauseating.

“Just, uh, don’t confess your love to him tonight? Save it for the finale?” Stevie said as she backed away from him, heading toward video village and the production office.

“You are an exhausting human being,” he called after her. She shrugged.

“I’m also kinda your boss, so you should probably waltz right in there and get your roses.” With that, Stevie disappeared around the corner.

David took a deep breath and stared at the large double doors. Why did this always have to happen to him?

* * *

The rose ceremony was the final scene of the night. All of the bachelors and the entire Rose family collected in the parlor to distribute the roses. It was a simple affair. One by one, Alexis approached seven of her favorite bachelors and handed them a single red rose, explaining why they were receiving the rose. In typical Alexis fashion, the reasons were mostly superficial, which told David everything he needed to know about how their first interactions went outside the mansion.

Unlike other reality-dating competitions, the ceremony wasn’t over once Alexis was finished. Next, Johnny distributed four yellow roses to his favorites. Then Moira with her pink ones. And finally, David with white. The bachelors with the fewest roses would be sent home, and the two bachelors with the most roses by the end of the competition would get to propose to Alexis.

After painfully watching the rest of his family give out their roses, it was finally David’s turn. He gave his first three roses to the three bachelors he could remember – the dentist, the professional yacht racer, and one with the stupidly long first name. (Claude-Henri François-Marie was just too much to remember _and_ forget.) They were probably not the most impressive selections he could have made, but given his preoccupation throughout half of the introductions, he was lucky he remembered them at all.

With the final rose in his fingers, David’s heart began to race. He looked up and his eyes immediately met Patrick’s dark brown ones warmly gazing at him. Patrick was smiling as if he _knew_ despite David giving no indication of who was receiving the rose.

He needed to get it together. This wasn’t his reality show! It wasn’t his drama! He was here for Alexis and the money. Well, more the money and sleeping in a room by himself than Alexis’s prospective spouse, but still!

“My last rose is going to Patrick,” David announced.

Patrick smiled even brighter and stepped forward to the middle of the room to meet David. He was already holding three roses – one from each of them – and was going to be the only one to hold all four.

David wanted to say how desperately he wanted to get to know Patrick and drag him into a closet to make-out, but the camera in his periphery prevented the words from spilling out. But before he could say anything, Patrick spoke.

“It’s because of the shoes, right?” he said, smiling cheekily at David.

Why did he have to be here for Alexis?

“It’s about 50 percent because of the shoes,” David replied.

“Glad they got you to notice me,” Patrick said, a hint of earnestness in his voice.

David gingerly passed the rose to Patrick who tenderly added it to his little bouquet. They shared one last look before he went back to the line with the rest of the suitors.

The host closed out the evening, but David didn’t hear a single word he said. He was busy taking any emotions he felt toward Patrick and burying them deep, deep into his psyche to never reemerge.

It was so _hard_ though! He was so attractive and charming, which was probably why he was selected for the show. He was probably just as attractive and charming to Alexis – obviously so, since he had a rose from her. Men like Patrick were never interested in him. They always used him as a way to get to Alexis and he was naïve to think this would be any different.

As production wrapped for the night, the family and contestants exited the parlor to find their rooms in the mansion. The Roses had been there a week already whereas the bachelors were just now learning where their rooms were. A few pulled David aside to ask where Alexis’s room was. It was a tad presumptuous, sure, but they were all here to potentially marry her.

As soon as he shook the last one free, David hurried out of the parlor to get up to his room. He felt like an idiot for giving the last rose to Patrick. He was straight! He was there for Alexis! Why oh why did he insist on making a fool out of himself on national television? Anyone with half a functioning brain would be able to tell that he was flirting with Patrick in the most highly inappropriate setting imaginable.

Just as he began the climb up the stairs, a tentative hand grabbed his wrist. He turned around to be met by the most beautiful dark brown eyes in the Western Hemisphere.

“David.”

“Hi, Patrick,” David replied. “If you’re wondering where Alexis’s room is, I can show it to you—”

“No, I don’t need to know that,” Patrick said bashfully. “Um, I just wanted to apologize if, uh, I seemed a little forward back there? During the rose ceremony…?”

Somehow the pit in David’s stomach sunk even farther. Not only was David not supposed to be flirting with the contestants, the contestants were _recognizing_ his forbidden actions. _Great_.

“It’s a competition,” David reminded him. “If you weren’t forward and trying to play the game, you might want to rethink your winning strategy.” There. He played it off that made them both look okay.

“Right, strategy,” Patrick chuckled quietly to himself.

“I think you’re going to do just fine when it comes to all of this,” David said, gesturing to the mansion at large. If Patrick was able to get Moira to remember his name after one brief interaction, he was doing extremely well so far.

He needed to get to his room before he got further attached to this man whom he’d only known for a scant few hours. He turned away from Patrick and took a step up the stairs before Patrick touched his arm again.

“Um, could you show me around? Help me find my room?” Patrick asked honestly. “Stevie said you’re a wonderful tour guide.” His face changed imperceptibly from kindness to teasing.

“Did she?”

“Yup,” he said. “Said you’ve taken a nap in just about every room of this place. Oh, and that your moodiness and general temperament is not due to lack of sleep?” Patrick held up his hands defensively. “Her words.”

God, he really did talk to Stevie.

“Well, did she also tell you that I’m an incredibly generous and humble person?” David said sarcastically.

“Lauded your kindness and virtuosity,” Patrick replied with equal sarcasm. “Just sang your praises for _hours_. Couldn’t get her to shut up about it, actually.”

“Okay,” David said brusquely.

Patrick smiled like he did the first time David met him. It was intoxicating.

“Is that a yes?”

There was no part of David that wanted to say no.

“Yes. C’mon.”

With that, David toured Patrick around the upstairs, showing him the sitting rooms that were unused as well as the vacant library and second kitchen. They chatted amiably as they wandered through the halls. Some of the other contestants walked by them in various states of undress as it was very late and definitely bedtime for most folks in the world. It became more and more apparent that they should probably go to bed.

They finally arrived at Patrick’s room, the front door artfully decorated with his name in calligraphy. Patrick opened the door and sure enough, his luggage was sitting right next to the bed.

“Well, this is me,” Patrick said as he leaned against the doorframe.

“I guess it is,” David replied.

“I’d invite you in, but I don’t let someone in after the first date,” Patrick joked.

He wasn’t wrong, though. It did really feel like a date. Well, without the hand-holding or kissing or mutual attraction.

“Understandable,” David said with a small chuckle. He really did enjoy spending time with Patrick. It was such a shame he was here for Alexis.

A silence lingered between them. The sounds of snoring from behind closed doors bled into the hallway, another reminder of what they should both be doing right now.

“Where’s your room?” Patrick asked David simply.

“Oh,” he said. “It’s down that way…” He gesticulated airily down the hall. He was basically on the other side of the mansion from where they were standing.

“Huh,” Patrick replied. “You’ll have to show me sometime. You know, since you saw mine.”

David let out an uncomfortable laugh and immediately began tamping down his excitement over this devastatingly wonderful man asking to see his room. Patrick couldn’t have known what he was insinuating. Some straight men were so kind and good that they often accidentally led David on because David mistook their niceness for genuine attraction. He was thirty-five. It was time to stop repeating those mistakes.

“Sure,” he said, resolving that Patrick was definitely kidding. “Well, goodnight, Patrick.”

“Goodnight, David.”

David started down the hallway toward his room and he didn’t hear the door shut until he was out of Patrick’s sight.


	2. the vineyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David hopes nothing goes wrong during the first family/bachelor mixer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Here's the second chapter. I really like how it turned out. Sorry it's later than I said it would be.

Over the next couple days, they kept the family and bachelors separate. The producers wanted Alexis to get to know them all without the family interfering considering interfering was a Rose family specialty. They had some games and solo dates that were planned, and David, Johnny, and Moira were explicitly instructed to stay clear of the east wing of the mansion.

David found a spot tucked away on a balcony on the south wing where, with a pair of binoculars, he could see the party he wasn’t invited to. It felt oddly reminiscent of his childhood with Alexis.

He was certain they couldn’t see him. Unless someone was specifically looking around for people spying on them, David was virtually invisible.

Below, the bachelors and production crew milled about, filming as they all mingled. Alexis was serving her best French beach outfit, complete with large sunhat and plunging v-neckline. All the bachelors looked great too, some in chinos, others in linen shorts. In the light of day, David does remember meeting most of them though he couldn’t remember their names. (One of them was named Michael? Maybe?) It didn’t matter. He didn’t remember most of Alexis’s ex-boyfriends’ names anyway. Too long of a list.

There was really only one person he was looking for down there. He hadn’t appeared since they did the opening sequence with all the suitors standing in a line. Where was he?

“Are you looking for Patrick?”

David nearly jumped out of his skin at Stevie’s voice behind him.

“Oh my god!” he shrieked. “What are you doing up here? Trying to scare me into an early grave?”

She crouched down next to him and took his binoculars out of his hands.

“I saw you Rear Window-ing in the monitor and wanted to check on you,” she said as she peered out the binoculars. “Looking for Patrick?”

He hated how easy he was to read sometimes.

“No,” he said, perhaps too defensively. “It’s just been a while since I’ve had anything to do.”

Stevie stared at him for a long moment.

“Uh huh, right,” she said, passing back the binoculars. “Well, he’s been talking to Alexis for the better part of the day.”

“What?!”

David looked down at the garden party and sure enough, there was Patrick, swaying slighting in and out of sight behind a tree. How could David have missed him?!

“If it makes you feel any better, they’ve only talked about you,” Stevie said.

“One of the people in that conversation is Alexis,” David reminded her. “And she has horrific stories about me. So, no, I don’t feel better.”

“Well, the first big family outing with all the contestants is tomorrow at a local vineyard. You’ll have plenty of time to talk to him there.”

David chewed his lip. He delighted at knowing he would have all day to talk to Patrick, but he didn’t want to appear desperate or that he was trying to sabotage his sister. It wasn’t the television legacy he wanted to set up for himself. Then again, Patrick was the only other person on the production who wasn’t related him or Stevie whom he felt comfortable enough talking to at length.

“Why are you encouraging this?” David asked her suspiciously.

“Because you two seem to get along. He seems to really like you and I’ve literally never seen you talk to anyone like you talk to him,” Stevie said simply. “And I can’t talk to you all the time.”

“Why not?”

“…Because I have a job to do?”

David slumped back in his seat. He needed to couch his excitement about Patrick. It wasn’t going to pan out for him anyway.

“Anyway,” Stevie said as she stood up. “I came up here to tell you we can see you on camera.”

“Fuck!” David swore loudly, scrambling to grab his things. Stevie started laughing.

“So, you’re going to have to move your stalker escapades somewhere else,” she said through her laughter.

He dashed inside, entering the empty bedroom. Stevie followed, closing the doors behind her.

“So, are you going to talk to Patrick at the vineyard or what?” she asked as David stuffed his binoculars in his large duffel bag.

“No,” he lied, then caved immediately. “I mean, yes, probably.”

“Good,” she said simply as she walked toward the door.

“‘Good’? What does that mean?”

Stevie didn’t answer. She just smiled over her shoulder like she had a secret and left the room.

She was being so shady about Patrick, like she was goading him into doing something foolish. Well, David wasn’t going to be tricked that easily. He had managed to keep anything ridiculous at bay (with the exception of a rather embarrassing incident where he ate a piece of fruit that was meant for décor only). He was not going to screw things up with Patrick in the way Stevie expected him to. He wasn’t going to screw things up at all.

* * *

 

The rest of the day went by fairly quickly. Many days did, as David spent much of his time cooped up in the family wing of the mansion. He wasn’t able to socialize with the contestants to pass the time, so he was limited to talking to his parents. In other words, David took a lot of walks and a lot of naps.

He was excited about the vineyard. Not only was it a field trip off-property, but it was a chance for him to talk to people who didn’t give birth to him.

It was a chance to talk to Patrick.

He tried not to think about him all the time. It was hard not to, since they were completely cut off from the internet. The distractions that would have helped him move on weren’t available. So, he’d taken to replaying the three interactions they’d had and with each day that passed, the memories got a little weaker.

They were almost ready to film and thankfully production had allowed them to start drinking before the camera was rolling. David didn’t understand why he was feeling nervous all of a sudden. It was minute, nothing like the anxiety attacks of his twenties, but he had never been more grateful for a glass of wine in his life.

David walked out onto the deck where they were filming. He leaned on one of the railings overlooking the vineyard, his half-full glass of wine resting delicately in his fingers. It was beautiful, the rows and rows of grapes peacefully growing on their posts. His eyes followed the long lines on the field to the big orange sun dipping behind the backdrop of evergreens. It was obvious why production chose to film here.

He took a sip of wine. It was a simple Merlot and it was good enough to get him progressively drunk over the course of the day.

Silently, Alexis appeared next to him. They were quiet for a few moments, both of them looking over the vineyard.

“Can I help you?” David asked, finally breaking the spell.

“I have a headache,” she answered.

“Go see Ted.” For a girl who rarely got sick or injured, she was seeing the medic an awful lot. This was probably the eighth time in three days.

“I already did,” she said sadly. “He just gave me an Advil and had to run off to help some PA who dropped a light stand on his foot. And then Stevie wouldn’t let me have a glass of wine.”

“Worried you’re going to spill?”

“No, David,” she replied sharply. “They want me to pour my first glass with the bachelors.” He could practically hear the eyeroll.

“You know you don’t _have_ to do this,” he reminded her.

“I know. But some of them are—” Her eyes widened in delight as she gave him a small okay sign with her hand. She glanced over her shoulder, as if to check if someone was watching. David looked too, and sure enough, the bachelors were being released from their holding area to the deck.

“Who are your top three?” David asked.

“Well,” she said, perking up. Talking about boys was a hobby of Alexis’s. “I really like Georgio—”

“Which one’s that?”

“The yacht racer.”

“Okay, agreed.”

“I like Ronald—”

“Could you be with a guy named Ronald?”

“He’s an investment banker, and he does Crossfit six times a week.”

“Oh, so that’s the one who insisted on showing you his abs yesterday.”

“Um, how do you know that?” she asked suspiciously.

“It doesn’t matter,” David said, waving his hand dismissively. “Who else?”

She turned around and leaned her back against the rail, twiddling her long strands of hair between her fingers. Her eyes danced as she watched all the beautiful men filing out of the tent.

“And I like Patrick.”

Alarm bells went off in David’s head.

“Oh?” he replied. Playing it cool was going to be the only way he survived this conversation.

“Yeah,” she said with a small smile. “He’s really sweet, respectful, _very_ funny.”

David downed the rest of his drink.

“He’s really enjoyed all the dirt on you,” Alexis added.

“Okay,” David said bluntly. He didn’t need to be here to listen to her transcribe her conversation with the person David was quietly obsessed with.

Wait. Not obsessed with. Intrigued by. Interested in. Having a vague and passing awareness of.

“But I don’t know who’d I’d pick yet,” she continued. “What if who I want isn’t one of my choices?” Her voice sounded absent, like she was asking herself more than David. David wasn’t sure what she was talking about and was not about to go down this rabbit hole right now.

“Places, people!” Stevie yelled over the din. For such a small person, she really could command a room.

“Well, you’re going to have to pick one,” David reminded Alexis. “And you can break up with him as soon as the cameras stop rolling.” She’d done it before. This wouldn’t be the first time.

David did as he was told and went to stand on his orange X on the floor. The bachelors all lined up in their spots as Johnny and Moira exited Moira’s trailer. Judging by the look on his dad’s face, Moira had clearly asked for several wardrobe changes and needed him to console a PA or two.

“How many this time?” he asked Johnny once they joined him on the deck.

“Three,” Johnny said, clearly stressed by the situation. “Including the supervisor.”

“In all fairness, I made her cry on day one, so I think that’s just a personality quirk,” David said with a hint of pride. Though it wasn’t great to stress employees to the brink of tears, it made him feel like he was back in the family’s glory days. They could get away with being as demanding as they wanted to be because money would’ve protected them from any comeuppance. Alas, that had changed since they had moved to Schitt’s Creek. All of them had grown a little softer in this realm, yet David believed that the presence of cameras would always bring out this side of his mother.

“Getting a head start, I see,” Moira said to him, gesturing to his wine glass. “You know, David, it would be best if you did not get drunk on camera again. You remember the 2010 Golden Globes?”

David huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Um, it wasn’t my fault that Edie Falco and Toni Collette pressured me into doing shots at the back bar and then the cameras ended up on me at my weakest moment,” David said defensively.

Moira gave him a knowing look which drove David crazy. His life was so different now. He was older and very conscious to not mix cameras and binge drinking.

Alexis joined them and waved flirtatiously at all the bachelors as she walked past. Some of them were definitely already in love with her. Shame she was going to break their hearts.

David glanced over at Patrick who was in his signature crisp, blue button-down with rolled sleeves. His jeans were darker than his previous pair. And he was wearing the Oxford boots. He knew from his perch the other day that he did bring other pairs of shoes, yet this was the only the second time he’d worn them and the second time he was seeing David. It made David yearn for him even more.

His eyes trailed back up Patrick’s body and realized Patrick saw him checking him out. In any other circumstance, David wouldn’t have cared about being caught, but here he was so embarrassed. He was being the predatory, thirsty older brother archetype he was desperately trying to run away from. He gave Patrick a weak smile and received a sweet and kind one in return.

Why was he being so nice to David? None of the other bachelors would give David the time of day.

Stevie approached the family, her headset slung around her neck.

“Alright everyone,” she began. “We’re going to do a brief opener with Ryan, he’ll introduce the day and turn it over to Alexis for a few words. We’ll uncork a few bottles of wine, then you have the chance to mingle with the bachelors. Don’t get too drunk. You don’t want to be the editor’s favorite person of the week.” She looked directly at David.

“Um, this is slander,” he argued. Alexis elbowed him in the side.

“Is everyone okay over here?” Stevie asked in a quieter, more concerned tone.

Alexis’s eyes widened.

“Nope, no problems,” she said curtly.

Moira put a gentle hand on Stevie’s wrist.

“She’s just going through withdrawals, Stevie,” Moira told her.

“Mom!” Alexis whined gruffly.

“Okay,” Stevie said shortly. “I’m gonna let them know you’re ready.” With that, she walked back to her post behind the camera.

Within minutes, cameras were rolling, the sun was setting, and the host was introducing the day just as Stevie said. Alexis said her few words to the bachelors before twisting the cork out of a wine bottle. Wine was poured into nearly a dozen glasses, then it was off to the races. Some of the bachelors made a beeline for Moira and Johnny, wanting to make a good impression on them. Two went straight for Alexis, looking for more facetime with the aid of alcohol.

Only one hung back.

David bit his lip and slowly meandered to Patrick, who was still standing on his mark and giving David that same sweet smile. He was going to be the death of David.

“Some words from Alexis,” Patrick said dryly.

“Oh, you should’ve seen her memorizing the notecards in the ride over,” David responded in kind. “That was nowhere near what was written on those cards.”

Patrick chuckled before taking a sip of wine. David felt a spark of pride seeing him react like that.

“I see you’re wearing the boots again,” David said.

Patrick looked down and picked up one of his feet.

“Well, they’re the only shoes I brought, and I know that Alexis doesn’t like bare feet.”

Patrick just lied to him. David knew he brought other shoes. He’d seen them.

He badly hoped and wished he was wearing the shoes just for David.

“Three days with my sister and all you know is she doesn’t like bare feet?” David said sarcastically.

“I mean, I also learned that you didn’t learn to ride a bike until about a year ago,” Patrick replied instantly. “And you’re… what? 31? 32?”

“Um, I grew up with a personal chauffer, so you could say learning to ride a bike wasn’t really high up on the to-do list,” he said.

“Of course,” Patrick said with a shy smile that made David’s stomach flip.

Oh god.

Patrick was _flirting_ with him.

He was just as sarcastic as David and matched him shot-for-shot, lightly roasting David without ever being malicious. He stood close to David, never really opening up his body to invite anyone else into their conversation. His attention was entirely on David. Plus, David would catch his eyes lingering for a half-second longer on David’s lips before darting back up for solid eye contact.

Patrick _wanted_ him.

No, that was ridiculous. He had to be using these tactics as a means to get to Alexis. Butter up her brother instead of her parents. It was smart and a good plan.

…but that didn’t make sense. Why flirt with the brother of the girl whose heart you were supposed to be winning? There was no logical strategy as to how that would work.

This was a nightmare.

“Um, do-do you want to sit?” Patrick asked, gesturing toward a small cushioned bench underneath a trellis covered in vines and fairy lights.

The romantic in David swooned.

“Sure,” he said.

They sat, and David had to quell the urge to lean over and kiss Patrick.

“So, um, the whole point of today is to get to know you all better,” David said, gesturing toward the flock of people just 10 feet from them. “So, Patrick, what made you sign up for the show?”

“Oh,” Patrick said. He hesitated. “Um, well, I had just gone through what was probably the 20th break-up with my fiancée – this time for good – and I-I was looking for something different. Something closer to what I really want.”

Patrick was decidedly _not_ looking in Alexis’s direction.

“So, you signed up for a reality competition where you have to fight 14 other guys for one girl,” David joked. “That’s some rebound.”

Patrick laughed.

“Well, so far it seems to be working out.”

The earnestness in his eyes made David believe him.

* * *

 

They spent the rest of the evening on that bench. Occasionally, someone would wander over and attempt conversation, but they would eventually realize they weren’t invited and drift away.

David learned about Patrick’s siblings, his time in college, his love of music, the time he broke his arm jumping off a playset when he was 8. It was easy to listen to his stories, and he was so attentive when listening to David’s. Regardless if Patrick was there for Alexis or not, David knew he’d be leaving this show with a new friend.

Yet there was a part of David that felt bad. He was lying to Patrick. He couldn’t tell him any of the stories about their time in Schitt’s Creek because of the whole premise of the show. He wanted to relate to Patrick’s tales of growing up in a small town in Labrador with his own experiences in the boonies. He got nervous after he laughed a little too hard at Patrick’s joke about small town businesses. (“They’re only open when the moon is in Saturn.”)

He had to tell him, show premise be damned.

David glanced quickly to the others. At this point, the cameras were all focused on Moira as she put on an impromptu one-woman show. No one was paying attention to them.

“Can I tell you a secret?” David said, dropping his voice so only Patrick could hear. “And if you tell anyone—”

Patrick placed his hand on David’s forearm reassuringly. David could feel the heat radiating through his sweater.

“No threats necessary. I won’t tell anyone,” he replied calmly.

David hoped he didn’t sign an NDA.

“My family doesn’t have any money,” he said in a rush. “We’ve been living in a motel in a small town my dad bought as a joke for my birthday one year. Alexis and I share a room. This—” He gestured to everything around them. “—is a complete farce.”

Patrick was quiet for a moment, taking it all in.

“I know,” he said simply.

David was confused.

“Um, you _know_?”

Patrick smiled kindly.

“I followed the news,” he explained. “I’m a big fan of your dad’s business, remember?”

Right. He did say that on day one.

“Though I think I’m the only one who knows,” Patrick added, looking out at the bachelors. “All of them have expectations of living a life of luxury. Ken’s even been asking us how he should close his practice.”

“Who’s Ken?” David literally couldn’t remember any of them.

“The dentist.”

“Oh, right.”

Patrick gazed at him warmly with his dark brown eyes and David felt so _seen_. He knew they didn’t have any money yet still agreed to do this show. He probably told those jokes specifically because David could relate. He treated the Roses differently because he _knew_. They weren’t condescending aristocrats to him. They were a family that fell on hard times and now had to adjust, much like he was doing after his own break-up.

Oh, he was crushing  _hard_  on Patrick.

Keeping an emotional arms’ length was getting harder and harder. It was going to hurt more if he was chosen by Alexis.

“David—”

A round of applause cut Patrick off as Moira finished her performance. The sound was incredibly jarring.

“Cut!” yelled the director. “That’s a wrap on today, everyone.”

Immediately, the production team flooded the deck, collecting bottles and glasses and shepherding the bachelors and family back to their separate holding areas.

In that moment, David realized how he and Patrick were sitting. Both were lounging back against the back of the bench, turned as much as they could be to face each other. This was how 82% of David’s make-out sessions began. He felt heat rush to his cheeks and he stood up abruptly, nearly dropping his bone-dry wine glass.

Stevie appeared out of the crowd, headset around her neck, clipboard pressed into her hip.

“Glad to see you two had a good time,” she said with a sly smirk.

“Do you enjoy terrorizing people?” he asked her coldly.

Patrick stood up next to David. He cleared his throat.

“Well, um, it was really great talking with you, David,” Patrick said stiffly. “I’m going to head back to the holding area.”

“That’s a good idea,” Stevie agreed. “Thank you for your service.”

David watched as Patrick disappeared into the chaos before turning to Stevie.

“It was not what you think,” he said defensively.

“What do I think it was, then?” she asked teasingly.

“Um, just two people who get along and enjoy talking and sharing stories with one another.”

“So, you guys didn’t just spend the whole evening flirting in a corner when Patrick’s supposed to be flirting with your sister?” she asked sardonically. “Because that’s what I thought it was.”

“Well, it wasn’t,” David said.

Stevie peered curiously at him.

“Okay,” she reluctantly said. “Regardless of what it was, I need you to head back to your trailer. We’re hoping to transport you guys back to the mansion in about 20 minutes.”

David nodded and did what he was told – anything to get out of that conversation. As he walked past the bachelor holding area, he yearned for Patrick. He wanted to go in there, get him, and spend the rest of the evening and night and tomorrow with him.

Instead, he entered his trailer and immediately began burying his feelings for Patrick. It wasn’t going to work out anyway.


	3. yacht

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's another family/bachelor date, and on a yacht! David doesn't know how to feel about Patrick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the porn starts! Sorry for the wait!

The moon was bright, the most natural nightlight there was. The mansion was still as most of its inhabitants had gone to sleep hours ago.

David laid in his bed, tucked under the blankets, and stared at the ceiling.

His mind hadn’t stopped whirring since the vineyard three days before.

He wanted to sleep – nay, _needed_ to sleep – but he couldn’t stop thinking about Patrick. He couldn’t stop thinking about his warm brown eyes, his beautiful smile, his presumably soft lips, the way his rolled-up sleeves gently squeezed his forearms and made David wish those arms were wrapped around him. He couldn’t stop replaying their conversations, remembering how funny, smart, and attentive Patrick was. He could still feel Patrick’s hand on his forearm from the vineyard, and he shivered when he reminisced on how Patrick’s fingers brushed his when receiving his rose the following day.

This would have been all fine and good had David’s imagination not taken a turn. See, with being trapped in a mansion with no internet and only his parents to keep him company, David had begun to drift into dangerous territory. He started to wonder what Patrick’s lips would taste like, how Patrick would hold him, what he looked like under his clothes. He wanted to know if Patrick would cradle him in his arms and make love to him, or if he would pin David to the mattress and fuck his brains out. His mouth would start to water when he thought about sucking Patrick off.

Tonight’s bout of insomnia was thanks to a particularly graphic fantasy of Patrick, practically folded in half beneath him, beautifully taking David’s cock and begging him for more.

All these daydreams were slowly destroying him. He knew he shouldn’t be thinking about one of the seven remaining bachelors like that. They were straight. They were here to date Alexis. They were not here for him. But when he tried to distract himself with literally anything else, he could only think about how Patrick would kiss him in this room or fuck him over that piece of furniture.

Worse yet, this was all based on four conversations.

He felt so stupid, so dumb, to be crushing this hard and fantasizing this much over someone he had only met a week and a half ago, someone who couldn’t be more unavailable. But there was nothing else for him to do except live in his head. He started to understand how prisoners in solitary confinement went insane.

David’s skin was starting to feel increasingly itchy. He had been fighting it for the better part of an hour, but he needed to do _something_.

He threw off the blanket, revealing his overheated body to the cool night air. In glancing down at his body, David could see his hard cock straining against his boxers. He slid his hands under his waistband and pushed the fabric out of the way, freeing his cock to stand erect in the air. He took his cock in his hand and began to stroke himself, intoxicated by the touch.

David wondered how Patrick’s hand would feel wrapped around his cock. Based on his handshake, David imagined Patrick stroking him firmly with his softly callused hand as he laid on top of David, gently rutting his own hard cock against David’s thigh.

David sighed. That was _perfect_.

He stretched his body out, reaching above his head to grip the edge of the mattress. He jacked himself off faster, now envisioning Patrick going down on him. David glanced down and briefly pictured Patrick staring up at him with his lips wrapped around David’s cock. He closed his eyes and held on as his hand moved even faster. His mind flashed through all the positions he wanted to put Patrick in – and the positions he wanted _Patrick_ to put _him_ in.

He had landed on a particular fantasy of his, in which he was tied to the headboard – with a ring around the base of his cock – as Patrick alternately fucked him and rode him, taking and taking and taking while all David could do was watch him exploit his body for pleasure. He would be completely captive as this stunning man ruined him for anyone else.

“Oh, _fuck_ —” David gasped.

God, he wanted him. He had never wanted anyone this much in his life.  

“Oh, fuck me, Patrick,” he murmured desperately. “Oh, fuck me. Oh fuck, oh _fuck_ —!”

Ropes of cum erupted from his cock, streaking across his stomach. His fist kept moving as he wrung the last of his orgasm out and his heart slowed down.

God, he felt so good. His whole body buzzed with pleasure, endorphins racing through his bloodstream. He’d always loved masturbating. It was the least problematic sex he’d ever had.

Well, until now.

As his heart slowed down and David came back to Earth, he realized what he’d just done. David had vowed to himself years ago to not fantasize over straight boys, yet here he was dreaming about having the best imaginary sex of his life with a man who was competing for his sister’s affection.

“Fuck,” he groaned.

Reluctantly, he sat up, grabbed some Kleenex off the nightstand, and cleaned off his stomach. He didn’t know what to do with the tissues, so he dropped them off the side of the bed. Out of sight, out of mind. He didn’t want to wake up and see the evidence of his nighttime activities on the nightstand first thing in the morning.

He flopped back on the bed. It was taking every ounce of energy he had left to fight the shame that was rising in his throat. Why couldn’t he have just gone to sleep? His erection would’ve gone down eventually. Yet still, after everything, images of him and Patrick fucking flickered behind his eyes.

David groaned, rolled over, and prayed for sleep.

* * *

 

On top of exhaustion, David was fighting seasickness.

The second big family/bachelor date was on a large private yacht called “The Mary St. Caterpole” on Lake Superior. They had woken up early to drive 3 hours to the location, then production wasted no time getting them on the boat.

David had never been one to get seasick before. They had spent many vacations on boats of various sizes over the years, but since being in Schitt’s Creek for so long, David’s constitution for a lot of movement had rapidly deteriorated. He’d never been able to do roller coasters, but the gentle sway of a boat was fine. Until now, of course.

After David mentioned he was feeling a little queasy, Stevie immediately ordered him to sit next to Ted.

“I’m not going to have you throw up on this boat,” she said sternly. “We need you to be mingling with the bachelors and not heaving over the side.”

Ted had given him some Dramamine, which was helping. He curled up, pulling his hood over his face and getting as comfortable as possible. As long as he kept his eyes closed and focused on how his body felt, there shouldn’t have been any problems.

“Um, Ted?”

“Hey! What can I do for you, Alexis?”

David cracked one eye open.

“I’m feeling rather sick to my stomach,” she said in what David recognized was her fake pouty voice. Poor Ted probably couldn’t tell she was faking it.

“Seasickness must run in the family,” Ted joked. Alexis laughed politely. “Do you want some Dramamine, too?”

“I would love some,” she said cheerfully, as if she hadn’t been in pain moments ago.

Ted dug out the bottle from his bag, popped it open, and passed her two tablets.

“Here, take my water,” Ted said, handing her his Nalgene water bottle.

With a small smile, Alexis took the pills and washed them down with his water.

“How’s the dating seven guys at one time thing going?” Ted asked.

“Um,” Alexis began. “It’s going well, I think. The guys are all really, really nice. And they all have something to offer.”

“Do you know who you’re going to pick yet?”

She hesitated.

“Mm, nope, not yet. I mean, I’m kinda interested in one guy, but I don’t know how he feels about me,” she answered.

“Well, if he’s here on this dating show, I think you do know how he feels,” Ted said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“No, I know,” she said. “But like, I don’t really know, you know?”

Ted cocked his head.

“Not… really,” he said. “But I’ll take your word for it.”

They watched each other for a few moments, paragraphs of unspoken words between them.

“Well, I should get back upstairs,” Alexis said. They were about to get started filming on the top deck of the yacht. “Are you coming, David?”

David opened his eyes completely and turned to look at her.

“I’m about to lose all the contents my stomach has ever had, so I might need a few more minutes,” he snapped back.

As if on cue, Stevie came down the stairs.

“We need you both up top,” she said. “What’s going on here?”

“I’m dying,” David moaned from the couch.

“Aw, just a bit of seasickness,” Ted said playfully. “I’ve kept the patches as a last resort since they have to go behind the ear.”

Stevie stared at him, weighing her options.

“Put the patch on him. We’ll just not film him from that side,” she said. “Put it on the left. The right is his better side.”

“Um, excuse you,” David argued. But before he could fully formulate any actual argument, she was gone, as was Alexis. It was just him and Ted.

Ted held out a small plastic square.

“Lean forward?”

David removed his hood and allowed Ted to place the patch behind his ear. It stuck pretty well, and he could hardly feel it.

“That should kick in in the next 10 minutes or so,” Ted instructed. “And you’ll start to feel it when it wears off, which should be near the end of the day. Come get me and I’ll give you another one.”

“Great,” David said as he stood up. He’d been sitting so long that the movement of the boat startled him for a second.

He slowly made his way up to the top deck where it seemed like everyone was literally just waiting for him.

“Oh, look who’s finally decided to join us,” Johnny said jokingly.

“Um, it wasn’t my choice,” David said. “I was almost dying down there.”

“There have been very few instances in your life that have ever gotten close to taking your life, David,” Moira tutted. “I doubt a little seasickness has ever killed a man.”

David took his place next to Moira and looked up at the bachelors. Production liked to keep mixing up their order, so it jarred him to see Patrick right in front of him.

His mind briefly flashed back to his downright filthy thoughts about Patrick, and now he was nauseous for another reason. Just as his seasickness was starting to ebb, too.

Patrick gave him a concerned look. This was the worst. He didn’t want Patrick to be worried about him. He was an auxiliary part of the show; he wasn’t supposed to be the main focus for any of the bachelors.

He tried to wordlessly tell Patrick not to worry as filming was about to commence. It was hard to silently express to someone seasickness but also anxiety over having inappropriate sex dreams about said someone.

As soon as the director called “Action!”, everyone was all smiles, including David. It was hard to focus on what the host was saying – or what anyone was saying, for that matter – as the patch had yet to kick in completely and his stomach was very unhappy. He knew today was another mingling day, and that the bachelors had to collect chits for… something. David really wasn’t sure. He’d figure it out as they went, or Stevie would step in and remind him. He was more focused on avoiding Patrick and not puking.

A pair of servers appeared carrying trays of champagne. David loved champagne and prayed the slight carbonation would be welcome in his upset stomach. He took his flute and made a beeline for one of the couches at the stern. The bachelors seemed more interested in approaching Alexis first, so it was a perfect opening for him to get settled and wait for the patch to kick in.

He watched the cluster of people mingle momentarily before breaking apart and spreading out further throughout the yacht. They didn’t have many places they were allowed to go, so David couldn’t go hide in one of the bedrooms and avoid all of this.

One of the bachelors – Aaron? Andrew? A-something – approached.

“Hey, man, how’s it going?” the bachelor said, a poor attempt at conversation.

“Um, well, I’m probably going to puke at some point in the next three hours, so not well,” David answered honestly. “And I doubt the champagne will taste as good coming up.”

The bachelor looked like he regretted his choice to talk to David.

“Uh, yeah, I bet,” he replied, already looking for an out. Luckily for him, another bachelor came over and sat on the other side of the couch from David.

“How’s it going, David?”

He internally groaned. He was about to have the same conversation 6 more times. It amazed him how much Alexis’s reality TV dream was David’s nightmare.

As this bachelor droned on about his time with the Red Cross, David looked across the yacht to see Patrick so amiably chatting it up with Alexis. His stomach sank like a stone as he watched them laugh about something funny Patrick just said. It was probably something about how obsessed David was with him and how hilarious it is that he thinks someone like Patrick would be interested in him. It’d happened before.

Alexis did her patented flirt move where she tucks her hair behind her ear and gently touches the chest of whatever guy she was talking to. David had seen it so many times. From his perch at the mansion, he’d seen nearly every bachelor fall for it. She’d do it and the guy would instantly step closer and make serious eye contact, very clearly indicating his interest.

She delicately touched Patrick’s chest and then he stepped _back_.

David had never seen _that_ before. And apparently neither had Alexis. She looked slightly bewildered at the action. But if David knew Alexis, she liked a chase. This would only galvanize her advances.

But it was still very, _very_ interesting.

* * *

 

Much of the day carried on the same way. David would get cornered into conversations with the bachelors and have to listen to their boring stories. After a certain amount of time, he’d give them a chit just to get them away from him. All the bachelors had a bunch of chits from David.

Well, except one.

Patrick had yet to talk to David.

It was driving him crazy. Just as he would get up to join Patrick and whomever he was talking to, he’d get cornered by either another bachelor or Stevie.

(“You’ve got to liven it up a little,” Stevie told him as she adjusted his mic pack.

“I’ll liven it up when any of them are remotely interesting,” he replied.)

It was killing him.

The sun hung low in the sky which meant filming was almost over. The bachelors had grown tired of him half-listening or completely ignoring their stories and had thankfully left him alone. He didn’t want to talk to any of them anyway.

There was a small section of the deck with even a modicum of privacy. David leaned on the rail of the yacht, looking out across the water. His Dramamine patch was slowly wearing off, but he didn’t want to bother Ted for another one, considering how close they were to the end. Part of it too was to punish himself for how he couldn’t stop obsessing over Patrick, because apparently the ache in his heart wasn’t enough.

Production continually picked beautiful locations. The lake was gorgeous, complete with small wooded islands and small sailboats. It was serene and calming whereas the inside of David was anything but.

“I’d love to have a cabin on one of those islands,” said a familiar voice behind him.

Patrick looked like he stepped out of a dream. The setting sun made his skin glow and he seemed almost ethereal. David couldn’t help but smile.

“We had a cabin for a while,” David said as Patrick joined him at the rail, both men leaning on their elbows looking out at the lake.

“…did you _use_ this cabin?” Patrick asked dryly.

“Okay, no, not really,” David said defensively. “We bought it when my mom was researching a role in a new play about the Donner Party and she needed it to ‘accurately portray their fight for survival’.”

Patrick stared at him incredulously.

“Did she have to, you know…?” he asked.

“Oh! No. No, no, no. She only stayed about 3 hours because she thought she saw a rat. It was just one of her wigs that fell on the floor. And yet it was somehow worse when she discovered that.”

Patrick laughed, which only made David smile more. He loved hearing him laugh.

“That sounds like your mom,” Patrick said as he looked out over the lake.

A companionable silence fell between them. After a long day of dumb conversations, David was content to just be near someone who he actually liked. He wanted to tell Patrick everything he was feeling – about the show, the other bachelors, his sister – but right now he just wanted to be in his presence.

Something shifted in his peripheral vision. Suddenly, his left side was warmer, and then he felt Patrick’s elbow touch his. David stayed still and watched him out of the corner of his eye, trying hard not to be consumed by the spark of excitement that just jolted through him. Patrick was still looking out over the lake, acting like none of this was happening.

Maybe he just shifted over and didn’t notice he was touching David. That was a thing people did sometimes, right? He was careful not to touch other people, but not everyone was like David.

David’s breathing stopped when Patrick so gently and casually hooked his pinkie with David’s.

David could feel his heart racing, beating rapidly against his ribs as if it were attempting an escape.

This was happening. This was _happening_.

Without turning his head, David tried to read Patrick’s face for answers and what he found was Patrick gazing at their hands with a nearly imperceptible smile.

David looked at their hands. He couldn’t believe Patrick made the first move like this. It was so brave and so bold, and David needed to show him that he wanted this.

He unhooked his pinkie from Patrick’s and he could feel Patrick briefly tense next to him. That is, until he turned his hand over and loosely laced their fingers together. Patrick was still tense, but the smile on his lips had grown exponentially. His thumb tenderly stroked David’s skin.

David couldn’t put into words just how happy he was. His whole body felt warm and cool at the same time as his mind pulsed with affection and desire.

They stood together silently holding hands and looking out over the lake for a while, watching the waves get rougher. The party behind them felt miles away. In this moment, it was just them.

David glanced over at Patrick and noticed he was staring at him with those beautiful brown eyes. He was _so close_. David could smell his cologne and he smelled so _good_.

The boat started rocking a little harder as the waves grew.

Patrick slowly turned to David, still standing so close. His lips were slightly parted as his eyes darted between David’s eyes and mouth.

His stomach started to feel queasy. The patch was wearing off.

Patrick withdrew his hand from David’s, then placed it tenderly on David’s waist.

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no.

Why _now?!_

He could stick it out. This was the most important thing that had ever happened in David’s young life.

“David,” Patrick murmured, his voice just barely above the sound of the waves slapping against the side of the yacht.

Just as Patrick started to lean in, David’s stomach turned.

He was going to puke, and he was _not_ going to do it in front of the man he so desperately wanted to kiss.

David mournfully tore himself away from Patrick as he felt the contents of his stomach threaten to rise.

“I can’t–!” David choked out before rushing inside to get to the bathroom. Sure, it was typical to just do it over the side of the boat, but there was no way he was going to let anyone – especially Patrick – see that.

This was the grossest and worst version of a Cinderella story it could have been.

David pushed past crew members and into the bathroom where he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. It wasn’t much, as production liked to keep them eating as little as possible and drinking as much as possible. As he finished, he could feel a presence behind him. His heart sank. He didn’t want Patrick to see him like this.

“I was just coming to find you.”

It wasn’t Patrick.

David glanced over his shoulder to see Ted standing in the doorway, a seasickness patch stuck to his finger, ready for application.

“I figured you’d want a new patch since, you know…”

The taste of bile lingered in his mouth. He was not going to be kissing Patrick any time soon.

* * *

 

David successfully avoided Patrick for the rest of the shoot. Production wrapped shortly after David’s bathroom venture and he spent the remainder of the time under Ted’s watchful eye. He curled up on the couch and prayed he didn’t ruin anything with Patrick.

Leave it to his body to get in the way of his happiness.

He didn’t speak anyone as they disembarked. He caught Patrick watching him with concern and immediately began to walk faster toward the van.

Much like the first outing, production was quick to get them in buses and vans to head back to the mansion. David leaned his head against the window, staring vacantly at the farms and woodlands passing by, ruminating over how he ruined everything. It was a long ride, so he had plenty of time to go over each and every moment in detail that he wrecked.

His family chatted quietly, discussing the bachelors and recounting their conversations. David didn’t care. There was only one bachelor he cared about and now that man probably thought he was an absolute monster.

It was very late once they arrived back at the mansion. Everyone hurried back to their rooms to most likely collapse into bed. David changed into his pajamas – a simple t-shirt and sweats – before dragging himself down the hall to the bathroom. His assigned bedroom somehow didn’t have an ensuite bathroom by some cruel fate, so he found himself wandering down the hall to brush the grossness out of his mouth. (Stevie had given him a few mints, but they only worked so well.)

Once he’d brushed three times and used mouthwash twice, he finally felt ready to go to bed and beat himself up over the dumbest possible reaction to a man about to kiss him.

He opened the door and nearly walked right into Patrick.

Patrick had changed into his own pajamas and looked positively worried.

“What are you doing here?” David asked, keeping his voice low. Bachelors weren’t allowed to come to their side of the mansion.

“I wanted to see if you were okay,” he replied.

“What do you mean?” He needed to play dumb. He hoped Patrick didn’t know what actually happened.

“Ted told me you threw up from seasickness.”

Fuck, he did know.

“Um, well, yes, I did.”

He felt Patrick’s hands gently grasp his waist and his heart began to speed up.

“Are you feeling better?” Patrick asked.

David bit his lip and nodded as he rested his hands upon Patrick’s biceps.

“Did you just brush your teeth?”

David smiled. He skimmed a hand up to cup Patrick’s cheek and drew him in for a kiss. It was sweet and tender, and, god, Patrick’s lips were just as soft as David thought they’d be. Patrick’s fingers tightened in his t-shirt when they finally pulled back, as if he was ensuring that David wouldn’t run away again.

They gazed at each other, both in a daze. Patrick smiled brightly, causing David to smile and blush.

“Did you brush your teeth, though?” Patrick asked jokingly.

David laughed before he pulled Patrick in for a heated kiss. It was wet and hot, and it made David’s toes curl. He threaded his fingers through Patrick’s hair, tilting his head and kissing him deeper. Patrick had slipped a hand beneath David’s t-shirt and his palm was a brand on David’s skin. They were making out in the hallway where anyone could see, and David could not have cared less.

Patrick let out a soft moan.

David _broke_.

He wanted to hear that sound over and over and over again. He wanted to hear it muffled by a pillow as he rimmed Patrick. He wanted to hear it every day.

The sound of a closing door echoed through the mansion. It was from somewhere far away, but it was enough to spook Patrick. He reluctantly withdrew from David and David was already mourning the loss.

“I should probably go back to my room,” Patrick said shyly.

“Probably,” David replied. He took in Patrick’s disheveled form and noticed a bulge forming in Patrick’s pajama pants. It made him swell with pride.

Patrick stepped up to him and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” David said, beaming.

He watched as Patrick slowly walked away from him and toward the bachelor wing. He kept turning back to look at David who was still standing rooted in the same place. Eventually, he disappeared around the corner and out of sight.

David could finally _breathe_.

He couldn’t believe that Patrick nearly kissed him on the yacht – and even more, came to find him to actually do it. It wasn’t an act of convenience. Patrick wanted him. _Badly._

David walked back to his room, his giddiness almost bursting from his soul. Once there, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t indulge in his fantasies from before. Except this time, he had something _real_. He didn’t feel guilty at all.

He’d worry about what it all meant for the show in the morning. Until then, he had some personal things to take care of…


	4. lies & roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since David neglected to give Patrick any chits the night before, Patrick's spot in the finale is in jeopardy.

_Patrick kissed him!_

David couldn’t contain himself when he got back to his room. The night before, he was embarrassed to admit the degree to which he was thinking about Patrick. Now, David spent the evening taking time with himself, running his hands over his body, feeding the warm fire in his belly. He knew what Patrick’s lips felt like against his, how his hands branded David’s skin, how he sounded when he _moaned_. He had _proof_ that Patrick _wanted_ him, and his fantasies had _substance_.

The next morning, he was still floating on Cloud Nine as he had breakfast in the south wing kitchen with his family. It was nearly impossible to sit across from them without bursting with excitement. Alexis eyed him suspiciously.

“What are you so excited about?” she asked.

“Nothing,” he lied.

“Not true, son,” Johnny chimed in. “Alexis, he’s excited about you finding your next boyfriend.”

“Yeah, that’s not true.”

“Not even remotely close.”

There was a knock on the doorframe. It was Stevie. She wasn’t suited up with her standard clipboard and headset yet, and looked more like the friend David needed her to be in that moment.

“Got to set early today and I wanted to check in with you guys before we started filming. How’s it going?” Stevie said casually.

The Roses all mumbled versions of good, except David.

“Um, can I speak to you privately?” he asked pointedly. Stevie looked bewildered.

“Sure…?”

David wiped his mouth with his napkin and stood quickly. He strode out of the room with Stevie right at his heels. Three doors down, they found themselves in a study, one of the few rooms production hadn’t stored anything or put someone’s office. David was pacing the room by the time Stevie shut the door behind her.

“What is it now?” she asked.

It was on the tip of his tongue. He wanted – nay, _needed_ – to gush about what happened. He wanted to go into excruciating detail about how Patrick’s lips taste, how solid his body felt, and the great masturbation session he had last night.

Instead, he blurted out, “Patrick kissed me last night.”

Stevie’s eyes were as big as saucers.

“He _what?!_ ”

“Yeah! Mhm,” he confirmed. “We were on the yacht and he tried to hold my hand and then he tried to kiss me – but I had to run away because I had to throw up—”

“Because you were so excited he was going to kiss you or…?”

“No, the seasickness patch wore off.”

Stevie crossed her arms.

“I’m surprised you didn’t go immediately back since I’ve had to hear about this since literally day one,” she said.

“Do you even hear yourself right now?” he asked harshly. Honestly, even the mere idea that he would kiss Patrick immediately after vomiting made him shiver with disgust.

“Okay, so when did he kiss you?” she inquired. “Because I know you spent the rest of the night on the couch.”

David stopped pacing and took a deep breath. He needed to rethink how he was going to tell Stevie. Although she was his best friend on set, she was still ultimately a producer and could easily get Patrick in trouble for breaking one of the rules.

She wouldn’t do that to him, would she?

“He found me after I’d brushed my teeth and we made out in the hallway,” he said truthfully.

“In the family wing?”

David nodded.

“You know he wasn’t supposed to go over there.”

He folded his arms as he chewed on his lip. Her tone was making him regret saying anything. Patrick was in so much trouble.

“Well,” David said. “That’s what happened. And he’s an excellent kisser, thanks for asking.”

Stevie stared at him silently before sighing heavily. She didn’t say a word, which made David move anxious.

“Is he going to be in trouble?” he asked worriedly.

“Oh, god no,” Stevie replied. “That rule’s in place so Alexis doesn’t have fifteen guys each knocking on her door at two in the morning because their dick’s hard. A bachelor who wants to make out with her brother was surprisingly not an immediate concern.”

David exhaled. He was so relieved she wasn’t going to snitch on them to production. Stevie was on his side.

“He’s in trouble because someone neglected to give him any of his white chits last night and therefore put his place on the show in jeopardy,” she said seriously.

David’s stomach dropped. He got too swept up in the romantics that he forgot to give him any of chits.

“Oh, fuck!” he cursed loudly. “Well, can I go give him some now?” He was ready to beg or negotiate some sort of deal to keep Patrick on the show.

“Nope. They were counted last night.”

David was moments away from ripping his hair out.

“Did you specifically bury this lede because you knew it would stress me out?”

“Well, it’s not up to me who you give the chits to,” she explained. “And I thought you had given him at least a handful when you two ran off alone.”

David was aghast.

“You watched us?!”

“David! Did you forget you’re on a reality show?”

“I’ve been on enough reality shows to develop a habit of forgetting you all are there,” he said protectively.

He shook his head, trying to get the ringing to stop. He’d been spotted by production running off to a secluded spot with Patrick and completely neglected to give him any chits. In one fell swoop, he’d failed to secure Patrick’s place on the show and managed to allude that he was hooking up with said contestant, even though that didn’t come until well after the yacht trip.

All he needed was Stevie to tell him Patrick was a mole hired to create drama. No one was ever this attracted to David without some sort of payment involved.

“David,” Stevie said, her small hands taking him gently by the biceps. “It’s going to be okay. They get that many roses from each of you during the ceremony. And, Alexis can still pick him to stay in the show. She has the ultimate decision of who stays and who goes.”

David pondered this for a moment.

“So, you’re telling me that I have to convince Alexis to let him stay?” he asked warily. “What am I supposed to say to her? ‘Oh, Alexis, I forgot to give Patrick any of my chits last night because I nearly puked when he went in to kiss me on the yacht, but then kissed me later after everything was over?’”

“I mean, I would stop after ‘Because I nearly puked,’” she advised. “Just… play it off like you were about to give him chits and then you got seasick. She doesn’t need to know about the kissing.”

David eyed her carefully, considering her suggestion. It wasn’t terrible. Besides, he was used to telling Alexis half-truths anyway. That was how their relationship survived in Schitt’s Creek.

“Fine,” he said.

“Great.”

“But if this goes up in flames and my romantic life that’s less than 24 hours old dies with this, I’m blaming you.”

“Really the only person you should be blaming yourself. I didn’t kiss someone who’s dating my sister,” she said sarcastically.

David huffed at her before setting his jaw and exiting the room. He needed to find Alexis.

* * *

 

It was like a wild goose chase to find Alexis. It always was. At least he didn’t have to retrieve her from a Malaysian drug cartel’s base again.

After asking his deeply unhelpful parents as well as a few well-meaning crew members, he finally found her outside one of the production trucks, talking to Ted. She sat on the edge of the truck as she balanced an ice pack on one of her knees.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” David said. “What happened?”

Ted opened his mouth to speak, but Alexis cut him off.

“I hit my knee against my bedframe this morning when I woke up,” she said. “Clumsy me.”

David crossed his arms. She was definitely walking fine this morning. Hell, he even saw her crouch down and pick up a giant hoop earring she dropped on the floor.

“I’ve never seen you get hurt this much ever,” David said suspiciously. “I mean, even compared to the time you took MMA classes from Ronda Rousey.”

“Well, I guess living in the boonies has made me weaker than I was in the city,” she said, her eyes hardening on David.

David turned his attention to Ted.

“Ted, would you be able to leave me with my sister?” he asked. “I’m certain she doesn’t need an attending nurse for a bum knee.”

Ted looked relieved.

“That’s great,” he said. “I’ve been needing to use the bathroom for like, 20 minutes now. Bye, Alexis.” And with that, Ted scuttled off toward the mansion.

Alexis grunted at him.

“David! I was in the middle of something here!” she said as she threw the ice pack down on the bed of the truck. She bent down and breathed hot air on her knee, furiously rubbing the cold skin.

“Yes, I know that your health is your utmost priority,” he said skeptically, earning a glare from her.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

David took a deep breath. He had to play it cool and not show his hand. He couldn’t let Alexis know his feelings for Patrick or that they kissed.

“Um, yes,” he said. “Which bachelors were you planning on giving roses to tonight?”

“Whoever had the most chits from the yacht date.”

“But like, _total_ chits, or just from you, or…”

“Whoever had the most total. It’s not rocket science, David.”

“But you know you can override that and give roses to whomever you want.”

“Why are you being weird?” She eyed him carefully.

He flailed for a moment. He was losing his composure.

“Let’s just say one of the fan-favorite—”

“We haven’t gone to air yet, David—”

“—bachelors didn’t receive any chits from one of us that night on the yacht, but he really, really needs to stay on the show for… reasons,” David finished lamely.

Alexis scrutinized him silently as he fidgeted, waiting for her answer.

“Reasons, huh?” she said with a smirk. “What kind of reasons?”

“Well, he’s a fan-favorite—”

“What kind of reasons, David?”

Oh, dear god. He couldn’t tell her the actual reason, despite it being ready to tumble out of his mouth at any second.

“Because he told me he’s in love with you!” he blurted out.

Alexis looked stunned. She was clearly not expecting that answer.

“Who is it?” she asked in a small voice.

David sighed, resigned to his lie.

“Patrick.”

Alexis’s nose wrinkled.

“Patrick said that about me?”

David bit his lip and nodded.

“I got sick on the boat before I could give him any of my chits,” David said. It was true, though the whole truth included them holding hands for about 10 minutes and Patrick almost kissing him.

“Hold on,” Alexis said, still clearly confused. “Patrick. The guy who sat with _you_ for the entire vineyard trip.”

“Yup.”

“Who also barely flirts with me when it’s just the guys and me?”

“Mhm.”

“The guy who—”

“Yes, we get it. It’s Patrick,” David interrupted. “He said he’s in love with you and I would hate for his chance to be squandered because I apparently can’t be on boats anymore without losing all the contents of my stomach.”

Her furrowed brow hadn’t disappeared since David said Patrick’s name. Alexis still looked wildly confused. David sighed heavily. This was his last chance.

“So, you need to give him a rose because he really deserves to stay on the show. He’s wonderful, and kind, and smart, and funny – even though his humor gets a little too blue for my taste. He’s perfect,” David said sincerely. Just describing Patrick made him want to be with him at that moment. Then David realized how he ended that sentence and quickly added, “For you. He’s perfect for _you_.”

Alexis’s face softened as her eyes scanned his face. This was one of the extremely few times he wished he could read Alexis’s mind. (To read it all the time would be terrifying.)

“Okay, I’ll give him a rose,” she agreed.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“ _Yes!_ ”

Alexis picked up the melted ice pack by the corner, holding it gingerly away from her body.

“I need to return this to Ted,” she said.

Now it was David’s turn.

“So, what’s going on there?” he asked smugly.

“Nothing!” Alexis said defensively. “Nothing is happening. Ted and I are just friends. I like hanging out with him.”

“Bet you wish you could give him a rose.”

She slapped him on the shoulder.

“ _David!_ ”

* * *

 

David didn’t understand why they had to be present for the rose ceremony. Since they’d already basically done their part on the yacht (and David promptly screwed it up), the Rose family were human set decorations. David could tell it was driving his mother crazy to not have any sort of speaking part. He watched her in his peripheral as she tensed as if she were about to interrupt, then release when she remembered she shouldn’t. His father, on the other hand, had a glossy look to his eyes. Johnny hadn’t been sleeping well at all since they moved into the mansion. David wasn’t sure if it was that he’d grown accustomed to the motel bed or that he was having a recurring nightmare of the feds taking away the house again. Either way, his exhaustion was starting to show.

And this was what happened when none of them had anything to do.

Alexis had chosen her first two bachelors and David was getting nervous. She should’ve just given Patrick a rose right off the bat since it was a done deal. But knowing Alexis, she was saving it for last for dramatic effect because it would either shock the viewers or kill David.

“My third rose is going to…” Alexis said coyly, biting her bottom lip. (Here was that dramatic effect David hated.) “…Ken.”

The dentist smiled brighter and stepped forward to receive his rose from Alexis. She daintily handed it to him.

“My mother was very smitten with you on the yacht—” He had received a handful of chits from Moira. “—And I have to say that I am, too.”

“Thank you, Alexis,” Ken replied in his deep baritone. (That syrupy voice was the only thing that got David through their conversation on veneers on toddler beauty pageant contestants.)

He stepped back to the line to join the other bachelors.

Now was the moment of truth. Was Alexis going to honor their deal or was she going to be the first reality bachelorette murdered in her sleep?

“Alright, Alexis,” said the host. “Who is receiving your last rose and moving on to the solo family dinners?”

The bachelors all looked eager and seemed to be anticipating that their name would be called. David was trying so hard not to look at Patrick. He knew if he was eliminated today that Patrick’s disappointed brown eyes would break him. Yet, David needed to sneak a peek. This could be the last time he’d ever see Patrick.

He peered over at him across the chasm between the bachelors and the family and noticed that Patrick was doing the same, stealing small glances while knowing he was likely on camera. David didn’t care as much. He was figuring out how he’d find Patrick after he was eliminated.

Alexis pursed her lips and twirled the rose in her fingers.

This girl needed to stop being so damn dramatic.

Her eyes scanned the whole line, then she finally said, “Patrick.”

Patrick exhaled and so did David. He didn’t know he was even holding his breath until he heard Patrick’s name.

Patrick approached Alexis and she sweetly gave him her rose.

“I know you didn’t get the most this week, but everyone in the family really likes you.” She paused. “Some might even say love.” They both laughed nervously and it was probably cute to the camera, but David felt sick to his stomach. He was supposed to be excited that Alexis did a nice thing for him for once in her life and let Patrick stay, but hearing her say ‘love’ made him think he wasn’t the only one in love with Patrick.

Wait, was he in love with Patrick?

He’d never been in love with anyone before. Was it supposed to happen this quickly? In movies or on TV, but not in real life. Sure, they were going to be on TV and Alexis was going to pick the man who was going to be her boyfriend? Husband? Whatever, it wasn’t going to last long anyway. It never did for either of them.

David just wanted to spend all his time with Patrick. He wanted to hear all the stories about his family, childhood, college years. He wanted to know his favorite color, what made him laugh the hardest, what his face looked like when he came. He wanted to learn to read all his facial expressions and body language, and how to converse without words. He wanted to feel his lips on his again, his hands gripping his body, and most of all, he wanted to hear him moan again like he did last night, except louder, in a bed, and with less clothes.

Fuck. He was in love with Patrick.

“Cut! That’s a wrap for today, everyone,” the director said over the mic.

David snapped back to reality. He completely zoned out for the last bit of the rose ceremony.

Suddenly everyone was in motion. Some bachelors were heading immediately back to their rooms, escorted by PAs. Set dressers were moving furniture and decorations back. Stevie was busy consulting with her team of PAs and fellow producers.

He was in love with Patrick.

His mother and father had already departed for their rooms, as he could hear Moira’s heels clacking on the wood floors. Alexis hung around, chatting to… Keith? Kel? Whatever the dentist’s name was. That guy could _not_ shut up about teeth.

A strong hand gripped his arm. It was Patrick.

“Can we talk?” he asked in a low voice.

This was serious.

David nodded and was quickly led to the closest bathroom. It was the same one he’d had sex with Stevie in and he briefly considered having the bathroom moved to Schitt’s Creek since it was the only place he was getting any action.

Patrick locked the door behind him.

David braced himself, trying to still the butterflies in his stomach. God, how much digestive turmoil was this show going to put him through? He was going to have some sort of ulcer by the end of filming.

“David, I need—”

“Patrick, I—”

They both stopped talking.

“You go,” David ceded.

Patrick took the opportunity to cup David’s cheek and draw him in for a tender kiss. David’s skin prickled as he felt Patrick’s lips caress his own. He could do this for hours. Preferably not secretly in a powder room of someone else’s mansion, but he wasn’t going to start getting picky now.

It just wasn’t _enough_. They were alone where no prying eyes could see. No cameras were allowed anywhere near the bathrooms.

David seized Patrick’s waist and pushed him up against the wall. When he deepened the kiss, David was rewarded with the same moan from Patrick as the night before, but there was an edge of desperation that hadn’t been there previously. It made David so _hungry_ for Patrick and his body was responding in kind.

He stepped closer to Patrick and slipped a leg between Patrick’s, pressing his hardening cock against Patrick’s thigh. Patrick slid his hands around David’s middle and gripped David’s ass, hauling him closer. Suddenly, David felt Patrick’s erection against his own leg, and _oh_ , how he wasn’t prepared for that.

It blew his mind that he had this perfect man who _wanted_ him and was _turned on_ by him. He loved kissing Patrick, but he wanted to do _more_.

“Can I touch you?” David asked breathlessly between kisses.

“ _Yes_ ,” Patrick rasped.

David didn’t need to be told twice. He immediately got to work on Patrick’s belt. Once it was unbuckled, he hastily opened his jeans and shoved his hand into Patrick’s underwear. Patrick gasped as David firmly took his cock in hand.

“ _Fuck_ , you’re big,” David said in awe. His cock was an average length, but it was definitely on the thicker side which made David _so thirsty_.

Patrick chuckled and smiled against David’s lips.

“Did you think I was packing?” he asked.

“I’m so glad I was wrong,” David replied, smiling as well.

Patrick kissed David passionately as David pumped his cock. He earned a loud moan when he ran his thumb over the head, smearing the small amount of pre-cum that had formed. David desperately fought the urge to drop to his knees and take Patrick in his mouth. He didn’t because he wanted to lay Patrick down and worship his body in a big, comfy bed. He wanted his jaw to ache when he woke up beside Patrick, and then he’d fight past the pain as he assisted Patrick with his morning wood.

He could feel Patrick falling apart beneath him. A quiet whine escaped his lips as his kisses grew slack. His fingers dug into David’s ass, encouraging David to rut helplessly against his thigh.

Patrick’s brow furrowed, and he closed his eyes.

“David, I’m gonna cum,” he breathed.

“Cum for me,” David murmured as he worked Patrick’s cock faster. “Do it, Patrick.”

With a gasp, Patrick came. His cum dripped down his cock and onto David’s hand. Without thinking, David removed his hand from Patrick’s underwear and licked the cum off his fingers. It didn’t surprise him that Patrick tasted so good.

Patrick stared at him with wide eyes. It was then that David realized what he was doing. He dropped his hand and opened his mouth to defend himself but was instead kissed within an inch of his life. With his hands on his ass, Patrick encouraged David to rut faster and harder against his thigh. The friction plus the heat plus the taste of Patrick’s cum on his tongue…

It didn’t take long for David to cum in his pants like a teenager.

They kissed tenderly, and David’s heart was finally slowing down. He didn’t want to move from this spot. Unless it was to his bedroom to continue this…

Their lips finally parted, yet they remained wrapped up in each other. Though Patrick was smiling, David saw sadness in his eyes. David’s stomach dropped.

“Based on the look on your face, I’m guessing you regret what just happened,” David said.

Patrick gazed at David, then sighed.

“No, no regrets,” Patrick said with a forlorn smile. “It’s that I need to focus on the show. Alexis saved me from elimination because I think she might be in love with me.”

 _But I’m in love with you!_ , David wanted to yell.

“How can you tell when she’s busy talking to so many other men?” David asked dryly.

Patrick chuckled.

David knew what he meant. It’d happened to him so many times before. Men would fuck him but would want to date Alexis instead. Patrick didn’t seem like that, but he did sign up for a reality-dating competition to win Alexis’ affections.

_He wasn’t there for David._

A silence settled around them as they took in the gravity of what was happening. They were breaking up before anything even started. He’d had many relationships and break-ups before now, but this hurt more than the rest.

David’s throat tightened before he asked, “Are you in love with her?”

“Please, David,” Patrick pleaded, the words barely audible between them.

David reluctantly stepped away from him. The cool rush of fresh air against his body was bittersweet.

“We should probably go,” Patrick said softly as he righted his pants.

“Yeah, probably,” David agreed. “Don’t want production assuming anything about us.”

Patrick nodded, then opened the door. In the hallway, no one seemed to have noticed they exited the bathroom together.

Patrick gave him one last sad look before walking toward the bachelors’ wing. He briefly looked over his shoulder at David. David hoped that he would stop and come back to him, but that wasn’t the case.

Over the course of his life, David had had many relationships, none of which lasting any significant amount of time. Admittedly, he never imagined any sort of longevity with any of them. Yet Patrick was different. They hadn’t even dated for real – and barely even in secret – but David yearned for Patrick and wanted to spend every second with him.

But he had to respect the process. Patrick was in the running to be Alexis’ new boyfriend.

_He wasn’t there for David._


	5. family dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the bachelors to have alone time with the family and David's not sure if he can face Patrick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter nearly killed me. I hope it makes sense because I had to write it over so many days.

To say David was depressed was a vast understatement.

He laid facedown on his bed, his pillow damp beneath his cheek. He’d been like this for days, only coming out for the necessary interactions. The hair and make-up department was shocked when David plopped himself down in a chair for them to make him look camera-ready. He had avoided them for weeks, but now the redness in his eyes was becoming difficult to hide.

He thought they were going somewhere. He thought they had actual chemistry. He thought Patrick loved him too. He was so _responsive_ and _emotional_ when they were at the vineyard, on the yacht, in the bathroom. The way Patrick kissed him was not how someone who was in love with someone else would kiss another person. Days later, he could still feel Patrick’s lips against his own, the way his fingers dug into David’s ass, how his cock felt in his hand, how he _tasted_. It was all sealed into his memory and it had been the happiest he’d been in a long time.

A sob wracked through his body.

There was a knock on the door. Stevie had his lunch. It cautiously cracked open.

“Hey David.”

That was _not_ Stevie.

He sat up quickly, wiping his eyes and nose, trying to look more presentable.

“Alexis, what are you doing here?” he asked, his voice hoarse from non-use.

“Um,” she said as she stepped into the room and closed the door softly. “Stevie’s in an emergency producer meeting, and Mom and Dad didn’t want to.”

“So, you got stuck with it.”

“I wouldn’t say stuck,” she corrected, tucking her hair behind her ear. “She almost sent a PA in here and I told her she shouldn’t subject poor Anna or Ja’Quan to this.”

“You’re too kind,” he said bitterly.

Alexis approached the bed with the Styrofoam container of food and a set of plasticware. It smelled good, whatever it was. He opened it and it was roast chicken with some vegetables. He was grateful it was food that was easy on the stomach. He’d been fighting a recurring wave of stress nausea and didn’t want to trigger it.

Silence fell as David dug into his food. Alexis remained standing at his bedside, decidedly not looking at him.

“You don’t have to stay here,” he said to her.

Alexis silently sat down on the bed by his crossed legs.

“You’re the only one I can talk to about this,” she said calmly.

“About what?”

She sighed heavily.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said.

“Regarding the bachelors?” he asked around a mouthful of chicken.

“Yeah.”

“Well, ideally you’re supposed to pick one to date for like, 3 months before you break up and we do a season 2,” he said sarcastically. She smirked and gently swatted his knee.

“I do know who I’d pick,” she said. “But I don’t know if I’m allowed to.” She finally looked up at him and pursed her lips.

…was she asking his permission to pick Patrick? Because she probably figured out David was harboring a crush; she’s not stupid. At least this time she was asking permission instead of just _doing_. Living together in a motel room had truly changed their relationship.

“You’re allowed to pick whomever you want,” he assured her.

“But like, I can’t pick this one,” she said firmly.

“Are you asking my permission?”

She stared at him like he was suddenly speaking another language.

“Why would I be asking your permission, David?”

“Um, I don’t know. You tell me!”

She turned and looked at him curiously.

“Wait, who do you think I’m talking about?” she asked.

“Um, Patrick…?” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

She wrinkled her nose.

“Why do you think I’m talking about Patrick?”

Oh no. This was not where he wanted this conversation to go. His heart started to beat a little harder.

“Uh, because you like him, and he likes you.”

“I mean, he’s a button,” she admitted. “But he’s very clearly into someone else.” She looked at him suggestively.

The knot in his stomach tightened. He regularly forgot how perceptive Alexis could be.

“Well, his actions and his words clearly don’t match up,” he said. “Because he’s in love with you.”

“ _When_ did he say _that_?” she asked with an eyeroll. She didn’t believe him at all.

“Four days ago. After the rose ceremony. He pulled me aside and I asked him directly.”

“And he said he was in love with me?”

“Um, I mean, not specifically,” he said. “But he said he needed to focus on the show, which we both know means he’s in love with you.”

Alexis groaned.

“Whatever he’s telling you, slash whatever you’re making yourself believe, David, is not true. He might feel some obligation to not stir the pot or whatever, you know, since he _did_ come on the show for me. But I’m telling you that he only has eyes for one person and it’s not me.”

David pondered for a moment. He immediately started to mentally deny what Alexis just said, but he knew deep in his stomach that she was right.

“Besides, it’s probably all an act because he knows I’m the only one who can advance him to the end, so he can spend more time with you,” Alexis added cockily. David rolled his eyes.

“That doesn’t seem remotely true,” he disagreed.

Alexis stood up from the bed, smoothing out her floral skirt.

“Well, you can either believe me or stay in here and keep being depressed,” she said. “Because I know which one I’d pick.”

He stared at her for a second, weighing his options. He didn’t enjoy being in his room. It was too stuffy and there was too much direct sunlight. He wanted to be out spending time with his family sans crying. He needed to see Patrick again, even if his heart was breaking.

“Fine,” he said defeatedly.

“Good, because I’d hate to have him see you like this at our solo family dinner tonight.”

Oh, shit! That’s tonight! He lost track of what dinners they did since he’d been in such a crying fog with the other three. He had so much to do to make himself look presentable to the man he was madly in love with.

She must have sensed the panic coursing through him, because then she said, “Call is in 4 hours, so you have plenty of time to do your hair. Which you may need to wash 4 or 5 times to get all that grease out.”

“Die, please,” he replied bitterly.

Alexis smiled and headed for the door. But before she could leave, David had one question for her.

“You were talking about Ted earlier, weren’t you?” he asked gracefully.

She paused and looked down at the floor, her whole body reading much like Patrick’s when he left David in the bathroom.

“Yes,” was her serious reply.

She exited his room without another word.

David genuinely felt bad for Alexis. She had the spotlight on her and she was in love with the offscreen medic. Unfortunately, the whole gimmick of the show is that she picks one of the bachelors because they were hand-selected for her.

It dawned on him. He started to understand Patrick’s predicament. He wasn’t supposed to fall for David, because the whole point of the show was that he solely focused on Alexis. He was honoring the business and legal aspects of the production, which seemed like something he would do. If he told David he loved him instead, David would have absolutely accidentally told Stevie, who had the power to remove him from the show.

Or, he was straight and looking for someone – _anyone_ – to hook up with.

And David was just that desperate sucker.

Why did he always do this to himself?

With that dark thought, he crawled out of bed and on shaky legs, ventured to the bathroom. The shower was calling his name.

* * *

 

The solo family dinners were by far David’s least favorite thing they had done for the show.

The family would be escorted into a dining room where the bachelor was waiting for them. On the table was a spread that was hand-selected by the bachelor to impress the family. It was supposed to reflect how much they had learned about the family and how much it would mean to them to be part of the family and blah blah blah.

It was great in concept, but there must’ve been a limited menu because for three nights in a row, they had filet mignon with a date-cucumber raita and a side of wild field mushrooms and pureed Yukon potatoes. The first night was fine, but if they had to eat that exact dish again, David was throwing his plate at the wall. How the producers allowed this to happen was beyond him.

They also had to eat incredibly early, around 5pm. They were basically octogenarians at a senior special buffet.

On top of all that, the conversation was incredibly stale. Sure, David was mourning the best relationship he’d ever had (even though they weren’t dating in the first place), but a good dinner conversation could’ve snapped him out of it. But of course, the conversations were incredibly stale.

The first one had clearly done only a cursory scan of both Johnny and Moira’s Wikipedia pages and knew nothing about David yet would bring up Alexis’s Instagram posts from 2011 like they happened yesterday.

The second was the dentist and lectured about the benefits of Invisalign versus traditional metal braces. (Seriously, how had he made it this far?)

The third talked about himself the _whole_ time. He had been a great listener for the first few weeks, but this must’ve been a breaking point. Any time one of the Roses opened their mouths to speak, he would cut them off. It turned into a de facto therapy session that ended with him crying on Johnny’s shoulder.

Yet David was least looking forward to this last dinner with Patrick, though.

It wasn’t that the food wouldn’t be good. It wasn’t that there wouldn’t be good conversation.

It was that he’d have to watch his sister flirt with Patrick.

And Patrick flirting back.

After a long, hot shower and a thorough moisturizing session, David felt more like himself. He was ready to face the music.

He joined his family in the sitting room attached to the dining room where they’d be having dinner. It was comfortable enough, as each Rose was able to take their own couch if they wanted to. Which, of course, they did. David sprawled himself across the couch closest to the door as he prayed for a natural disaster to rip through the mansion and take him away from this horrible situation. He stared at the ceiling and tried to not think about Patrick.

Slowly, Stevie entered his field of vision as she towered over him.

“Are you going to be this dramatic during the dinner?” she asked dryly.

“Well, seeing as I get to see the heart that was ripped out of my chest on a platter and served medium rare… Yes, yes I am,” he replied.

“I don’t know why I bothered asking,” she mumbled to herself.

“Stevie, may we talk to the chef to ensure that the meal is at least slightly different from the last three days?” Johnny asked her. 

“Yes, Stevie, my palate is pleading for a bounty of flavors,” Moira added.

“Um, unfortunately, I cannot let you do that seeing as it’s the bachelor’s choice for dinner,” she answered.

“Just let me starve,” Moira said dramatically before slumping back on the couch.

“Rest assured, Mrs. Rose, you won’t be disappointed,” she said.

Stevie turned back to David.

“Are you going to at least talk to him? Especially after, you know…” she asked, lowering her voice so only David could hear.

Of course, David told her what happened. Or, most of what happened. He didn’t tell her about the erections involved, but he was pretty sure she knew given how quickly he ran back to his room without so much as a simple goodbye.

“I’m going to do what I’ve always done in situations like this,” he said. “And that’s stuff my face with so many carbs that no one can hear my muffled crying.”

Stevie rolled her eyes.

“I’m not saying you should confront him or anything, but you should be nice. He still asks about you.” Stevie must’ve realized she said something she shouldn’t have by the speed in which David sat up.

“He asks about me?”

Alexis had just been speculating earlier, having never had a conversation with Patrick about David – or at least, not in _that_ respect. Stevie, on the other hand, _knew_ things. She was a producer after all.

“Well, yeah,” she said sheepishly. “You two really seemed to get along and shockingly, he enjoys spending time with you. And I’ve seen him around the other bachelors and let me tell you, they have nothing in common.”

“Well, except dating my sister.”

“Just barely.”

David sighed.

“I just think you should consider leaning into this whole Patrick thing,” Stevie said. “Give him another shot.”

He sat up to look at her.

“Um, as a producer, should you really be suggesting that I get together with one of the contestants dating my sister?” he asked her dryly.

“As your friend, I am,” she said, then added honestly, “And as a producer, _someone’s_ gotta fall in love around here, ‘cause the guys left are not winners.”

“Does that dentist guy ever shut up about teeth?”

Stevie let out a long, labored sigh.

“Nope.”

Just then, Anna, one of the set PAs, ducked her head in the room.

“Hey, um, Stevie,” she said nervously, her eyes darting between David and Stevie. “Um, Rizzo wants to, um, speak with you.” Anna was the human embodiment of a long-haired chihuahua, constant nervous shivering and all. David had long ago learned this was completely normal behavior and happened regardless of what the situation was.

“Oh, okay. Great, yes. I’ll be right there,” Stevie said, a sense of urgency in her voice. She checked her watch before turning to David. “Well, dinner’s starting soon, so you’re gonna have to decide how you want to go about this… situation. Might I suggest enjoying yourself?”

“I don’t know how I possibly couldn’t,” he replied sarcastically as she left the room.

David struggled with the emotions that were bubbling up. He was still upset that Patrick left him like that, but the fact he was asking about him gave David hope. His conversation with Alexis floated to the forefront of his mind. His sister wasn’t stupid, and neither was Stevie. He needed to trust them. They clearly knew something he didn’t.

Years of misplaced trust, shitty friends, and promiscuous lovers had hardened David’s heart, causing him to focus on the worst that could happen. He couldn’t let himself hope for anything positive because it would only lead to disappointment. If he prepared for impact, the pain could be eased if not prevented entirely.

Yet, optimism bubbled beneath the surface. He didn’t care what the worst-case scenario was. He had on good evidence and reliable sources that Patrick cared about him despite what he said. And while David couldn’t see the future or read Patrick’s mind, he still enjoyed the time he had with him. Because the time they had spent together filled David with warmth and joy.

He decided he was going to put on the best face he could and make the best of the dinner, even if Alexis and Stevie were wrong. At the very least, he and Patrick could just be friends.

* * *

 

The Rose family stood just outside the dining room. The large, heavy doors separating them from dinner prevented any distinguishable words from leaking to the other side. They could hear the set decorators speaking loudly with the chefs in setting the table, then everything went quiet.

Moments later, Stevie slipped through the door.

“Are you guys ready?” she asked excitedly, her eyes scanning their faces before landing on David’s.

“At this point I believe this show is not about love but about starving your subjects,” Moira complained. She wasn’t too far off. They liked to keep them hungry, so they actually ate at the dinner.

“Well, Mrs. Rose, you are moments away from eating,” Stevie assured her.

“Can you tell us if it’s different from the last three days?” Johnny asked.

Instead of answering, Stevie put a hand to her earpiece and walked away. David could tell it was to get out of this conversation.

“Places!”

It was beginning. David took a deep breath. He was going to play nice no matter how Patrick treated him at this dinner. He wore his favorite sweater and ensured his hair was perfectly coiffed because even if he wouldn’t be the object of desire, he wanted to taunt Patrick with what he was missing.

That’s what friends did, right?

Seconds after the director yelled “action!”, the doors swung open to reveal a familiar sight. The table had been set identically to the past three nights: five place settings with the same elegant china, slender candles burning brightly, two bottles of wine nestled among the simple decorations. There were some minor changes, such as the decorations themselves. And, of course, the bachelor.

Patrick stood beside the table, looking as handsome as ever. Whatever David thought about his appearance before couldn’t hold a candle to what was before him now. Patrick’s deep purple suit with the faintest white windowpane pattern was something out of a dream with the way it so impeccably fit him, as if he were modeling and it was clipped in the back. The top button on his white shirt was undone, revealing a spot on Patrick’s throat that David wanted to _lick_.

David just wanted to rip all the clothes off him and fuck him over the table.

Because that’s _definitely_ what friends did.

“Welcome, Roses,” Patrick said warmly as they entered the room. His eyes trained on David, which only added to the warmth under his collar.

“This looks great, Patrick!” Johnny said.

“The centerpiece is just exquisite,” Moira remarked as she walked around the table, tracing her finger along the edge.

Tonight, the centerpiece was comprised of beautiful black twigs perfectly arranged as if it were a bird’s nest being slowly blown away in the breeze. It looked like something David would arrange.

Actually, it looked like something David _did_ arrange.

“Is this…?” David asked curiously.

“From your spread in Dwell? Yup,” Patrick answered softly.

David’s breath caught in his throat. He felt the same overwhelming feeling he did when he initially discovered Patrick’s shoes. There was a strong swirl of desire that coursed through him. He so desperately wanted to reach out and kiss Patrick, a soft thank you for being so thoughtful. Instead, he bit his lip to keep from doing any such thing.

“Um, Patrick,” Alexis said. She held up a small place card with calligraphy. “Are these our seating assignments?” She seemed confused even though they’d had assigned seats in all the previous dinners.

“Yes,” he said with a bright smile. “I know they’re probably different than the last few nights, but I really wanted to make this night my own.”

Alexis set the place card back down on the plate. The seat she had sat in the last few nights was now labeled with David’s name.

He was directly across the table from Patrick.

Previous nights had found him as far from the bachelor as possible. While he was a little disappointed he wouldn’t be sitting next to him, David was content to gaze at Patrick with ease.

They all took their seats at Patrick’s insistence: Johnny at the head, Alexis and Patrick to his right, Moira and David to his left.

“Now, Patrick,” Moira began. “Seeing as you have completely upended the social norms of this nightly ritual, I am beseeching that you have done the same for our meal?”

Patrick looked at her, a slight furrow in his brow.

“I’m not sure what that means, but I think I chose a menu I think you’ll like,” he replied earnestly.

Just then, the kitchen door opened, and the chef emerged with a train of servers behind her all carrying their starter dish.

“First course of the night is a plate of grilled black Mission figs wrapped in pancetta with dandelion greens & aceto balsamico,” the chef said as the servers delicately placed the plates in front of them.

“Oh! This is different!” Moira exclaimed. Patrick beamed.

And as quickly as they arrived, the chef and servers disappeared.

“Well, Patrick, this is already off to a great start,” Johnny said. “Mission figs are Moira’s favorite.”

“Um, no, Dad, they’re _my_ favorite,” Alexis corrected him.

“Is that right?” he said.

“That’s why I picked them,” Patrick interrupted. “At one of the mixers you ate like, half a platter of these.”

“Oh, yeah, that sounds like Alexis,” David said with a smirk. Alexis shot daggers at him and would’ve kicked him if Patrick hadn’t been in the way.

It was impressive that he remembered something so insignificant – which seemed to be a theme with Patrick – and the gesture was lovely for someone who’s courting Alexis. David was still saddened because it was a small reminder of what Patrick had said to him in the bathroom.

 _He was there for Alexis, not him_.

That small pang of melancholy sat with him through the first course, even as the family chatted about things David was genuinely interested in: what it’s really like inside the Met Gala, Alexis’ secret trip to Tokyo on Ryan Gosling’s dime, Moira’s guest role on General Hospital. And he did participate in the conversation. They had told these stories so many times that he knew the beats and when to chime in. He was acting to the best of his abilities to hide how he was feeling and trying desperately not to stare at Patrick.

Their empty plates were soon cleared, and hair and make-up scuttled into the room to fix any loose strands and touch up lipstick. Just when David would forget they were on a TV show, there would be a clear reminder.

Servers emerged from the kitchen carrying plates of something that was once again not what they’d had the three previous nights.

“Our main course for tonight is a deep fried whole branzino with leeks, Fairytale eggplant, & pickled chiles,” the chef declared. “Enjoy.” She and the servers disappeared as quickly as they arrived.

“This looks _fabulous_ ,” Moira said. “Branzino is just delightful and it’s made even better that it’s not the steak from the past three nights.”

“I love steak, but it was getting to be a bit much,” Johnny added.

“Well, I remembered you mentioned in a _Redbook_ interview that your favorite dish was branzino,” Patrick said to Moira. “I couldn’t remember the specific kind, but the chef assured me this is incredibly delicious.”

“I’m impressed you memorized all of this,” Alexis remarked. “Like, Mom, didn’t you do that interview in like, 1995?”

"You are correct, Alexis!"

Patrick shrugged.

“I guess I just wanted you to fall in love with me,” he said cheekily. Johnny, Moira, and Alexis all smiled and chuckled. They were all quite smitten with Patrick.

As Patrick turned his attention to his food, he glanced up at David. His dark brown eyes lingered on him and the smile he had for the rest of the family faded into something softer, warmer, and just for David.

They all tucked into their food and the same amiable conversation continued from where they were interrupted. Johnny had been in the middle of his story about when he briefly sold knives door-to-door and David knew there was nothing that could stop him from finishing it.

It was all so confusing. One moment Patrick would be wooing Alexis, then the next he’d be straight-up flirting with David. It was the worst emotional whiplash he’d experienced in a long time.

He was probably reading too much into everything Patrick was doing. He had a habit of doing that with anyone who even showed the vaguest interest in him. Even though he knew Patrick liked him ( _really_ liked him), he was likely being nice to help his chances with Alexis.

“How’s the food, David?” Patrick asked.

Honestly, he’d been so distracted that the meal hadn’t even registered with him. He peered down at his plate and realized he only had a few bites of eggplant remaining.

“Oh, David,” Moira tutted. “You know if you eat that quickly that it upsets your stomach and it all comes right back up.”

Ugh, this was so embarrassing. At 34 years old, he did not need his mother chastising him for his eating habits.

“Okay, it was only that one time and I was eight,” David retorted.

“It was one time too many…” she said, trailing off.

David turned back to Patrick.

“It was delicious,” he said earnestly. “I mean, anything would’ve been better than steak, but this was exceptionally better.”

“That’s good,” he said dryly. “I really wasn’t sure given how quickly it disappeared.”

Alexis snorted from laughter. Johnny and Moira were also clearly holding back.

“Really? Is this how it’s going to be?” he said defensively.

Patrick took a sip of his wine, his eyes alight with glee.

(David secretly loved it.)

The others finished their meals soon after David and the plates were once again taken away. The servers entered the dining room without the chef and silently placed the dessert plates down in front of them.

David’s heart melted.

“What is this, Patrick?” Alexis asked as she picked up her fork.

“It’s carrot cake,” he answered, gazing at David.

“Where did you get this idea?” Johnny asked conversationally before taking a bite.

At the vineyard, there had been servers milling about with tasty snacks and desserts, which brought them to discussing their favorite sweets. David ended up waxing poetic about carrot cake to the point where Patrick was in tears from laughing so hard. It was after that they ended up sitting so close that they could have easily kissed right then and there.

“Ah, I, uh, saw it on the suggested menu and, um, thought it’d be a good choice,” he said, his cheeks turning pink. He obviously couldn’t tell the truth since he was supposed to be focusing on Alexis. It wasn’t a great lie, but David’s family turned into the biggest suckers when sweets were around.

“I would’ve recommended a tiramisu or a classic blackberry sorbet. You know, sticking with the Italian theme,” Moira said as she scooped more of the cake onto her fork. “But this is still very good.”

Leave it to David’s mother to get one last critique in there before the meal was over.

“That was a really lovely dinner,” Johnny said. “Thank you for switching things up there, Patrick.”

“I don’t think my body could’ve handled more steak,” Moira said. Alexis nodded vigorously.

“Well, I’m glad I did well, and everyone had a great time,” Patrick said humbly. His eyes lingered on David.

“I had a wonderful time,” David said softly. Patrick’s warm smile made David’s heart pitter-patter.

Alexis coquettishly tucked her hair behind her ear. Here it was, her flirting technique. David had watched her employ it every night after dinner with all of the guys. It was made worse because he knew she was only leading these men on. However, in this instance, knowing it was all an act was extremely comforting. He knew who she really wanted.

“I _really_ did,” she said with a giggle. She teasingly ran a finger down his arm. “I hope you and I get to have some more great times together in the future.”

Seriously, thank god this was all an act.

“Yeah, I hope so too,” he replied playfully before his eyes darted back to David. His expression was hard to read. Was he asking David permission to finally let go and be with Alexis? Or was he silently trying to tell him he didn’t mean it, that he was playing for the cameras? His words to her sounded so earnest, but he was sure he had also just spent the entire meal seducing David.

David never figured out the answer. Once the director yelled “cut!”, the whole room erupted in a flurry of movement. He got up to get to Patrick, to talk to him privately - to say what, he didn't know - but before David could reach him, Patrick had slipped out the door and disappeared.

Stevie sauntered up to him with her headset slung around her neck.

“I’d say that went well,” she said smugly. "Looks like things were really heating up between you two."

"Only because you were looking for it."

"No, it's very clear he likes you."

"He says he likes Alexis."

"No, he likes you."

She was _way_ too smug. He didn't like it.

David wrinkled his nose.

“Well, I don't know about that because he just up and left without so much as a goodbye,” he said, gesturing to the door. “And while it _seems_ out of character, I’m not sure if it is because I’ve only known him for four weeks.”

“Well, either way, it’s making great television, so keep it up,” she said, patting David on the arm before retreating to video village.

“Thank you for all your love and support in this difficult time! You’re my rock!” he called sarcastically after her.

David grabbed his wine and chugged the last of it.

It didn’t make any sense. Patrick flirted with him relentlessly for three weeks. He sought David out to make out after their time together was cut short by David’s weak stomach. He dragged David into a bathroom where they had some of the best sex of David’s life (and they still had all their clothes on!). Then he seduced David at dinner.

Yet he said he was there for Alexis.

David was finally starting to believe that was no longer the case.

 _What_ was going on?

* * *

 

David thought living in the mansion was going to be the best thing that happened to him since moving to Schitt’s Creek. They were going to have chefs and assistants and _rooms to themselves._ He wasn’t going to have to deal with strange noises all night or Alexis’s midnight crises or a lumpy mattress.

Instead, he had to go and fall in love with one of the bachelors vying for his sister’s heart.

The number of nights he’d spent at the mansion and the number of nights he spent thinking about Patrick (worrying, obsessing, fantasizing, etc.) was almost equal. The only time he didn’t was before he met Patrick, so that doesn’t even count.

He thought being happy for Patrick’s choice and choosing to be his friend was going to solve all his problems. But no, Patrick had to go and be charming and wonderful and flirty after he’d effectively called it off.

‘Want to focus on the show.’ What utter bullshit.

He wasn’t mad at Patrick. He came here for a purpose. He had signed up to woo Alexis and he was honoring that commitment, which was a commendable trait. He didn’t come on the show to fall for David. It was a complex byproduct in which David was left with complicated feelings and a cold bed.

He could’ve been furious over Patrick leading him on then icing him out. He _wanted_ to be furious. He had every right to be. It’d happened to him plenty of times before Patrick came along.

Yet all he felt was a dull ache in his heart.

Why couldn’t anything be simple for him?

David sighed as he stared at the ceiling. He couldn’t take it anymore and threw back the covers. He had been lying there for hours, tossing and turning, hoping to fall asleep and spend at least 6 hours not thinking about Patrick.

His stocking feet touched the cool wooden floor as he stood up from the bed. If he wasn’t going to sleep, he may as well get a snack.

He shuffled his way from his bedroom, down the hall toward the bachelors’ wing, and into the production kitchen. They kept it fully stocked with any type of food one could dream of on a set. David had been craving Greek yogurt for nearly three days and they only had it in the production fridge.

But as he turned the corner into the kitchen, he saw Patrick sitting alone at the table.

The person David needed to talk to.

He was still in his pajamas: a white t-shirt and dark blue plaid flannel pants. His elbows rested on the table and his face was in his hands. It was the body language of a defeated man and all David wanted to do was hold him.

“Patrick?” he said softly.

Patrick jumped and quickly stood up from the table. He must not have heard David come in.

“David, what are you doing here?” he asked tightly.

“Um, it is a kitchen, so I think my reason is a bit obvious,” he replied. “It’s the only place they keep the Greek yogurt.” He didn’t need to mention how he couldn’t sleep because he was thinking about him.

Patrick chuckled shyly and looked at the floor.

“That makes total sense.”

“…so, why are you here?”

“Um, just thinking,” Patrick said nervously.

David leaned casually against the fridge, only a few feet from Patrick.

“Thinking about what?” David asked cautiously.

A charged silence lingered between them. 

He could see the decision playing out over Patrick's face.

"You can tell me," David assured him. "I'm not going to tell anyone." He gestured to the empty kitchen.

Patrick smiled. That seemed to break the ice.

He took a deep breath.

“I was thinking about you.”

David gulped. He was hoping that would be his answer, but he wasn’t prepared to hear it aloud.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Patrick said, exhaling with a laugh.

“Um, what about me?”

Okay, now he was prying.

“About how much I want you,” Patrick said softly.

David’s heart leapt.

“Oh?”

“How happy I am when I’m with you,” he continued. “How you feel under my hands. How I can’t stop thinking about you when we’re together or apart.”

David was sure he forgot how to breathe.

“I know it’s the show and part of the contract, but I can’t pretend for one more day that I don’t want you.”

He took a step closer to David, putting him at arms’ length.

“Because you’re all I think about when I wake up and when I go to sleep. You’re the only person I want to be around. I want to kiss you every time I see you. I want you so much, David.”

David wanted to say how much he felt the same. He’d grown up watching romcoms and he had secretly yearned for a declaration of love speech like that. But the lump in his throat threatened that if he spoke, he’d start sobbing and wouldn't stop.

He stepped forward and draped his arms over Patrick’s shoulders. He brushed his nose against Patrick’s, their lips millimeters apart.

“I want you too,” he whispered before closing the distance and kissing Patrick.

Patrick wrapped his arms around David’s waist and pulled him in closer as they traded soft, tender kisses. He had never felt so loved, so cherished in this moment. His whole body buzzed with joy, his skin prickling with goosebumps, as Patrick’s lips caressed his and his broad hands gently massaged David’s back.

David threaded his fingers through Patrick’s hair and tilted his head to kiss him deeper, drawing a quiet, content moan from Patrick. It was one thing to have someone moaning and clawing at you for sex, and it was another for someone to express their happiness so simply. He wanted to learn all of Patrick's moans.

They stayed like that for a while, wrapped up in each other, time forgotten.

David withdrew slightly, only to have Patrick chase him to kiss him again. They shared a few more playful kisses before Patrick finally pulled back far enough that David didn’t follow.

“So, what’s the plan now?” David asked.

“Well, I definitely want to do that again,” Patrick said, his eyes dancing with joy.

“Mm, same,” he replied. “Though I wouldn’t mind a repeat of the bathroom.”

Thanks to their pajamas, David could feel Patrick half-hard against him with his own body responding the same way. As easy as it would be to escalate, to lay Patrick on the table and have his way with him, to have a repeat of their bathroom tryst, David didn’t want to. There was no desperation, no fear that if they didn’t do it now that it would never happen. Instead, it was a tease of what was to come, figuratively and literally.

“But in a bed and without clothes?” Patrick said.

“It’s like you read my mind.” They both chuckled. Patrick gave him a chaste kiss. It was so nice to know they were on the same page.

Unfortunately, there were more serious things to discuss.

“But I meant about, you know, the show,” David said.

“Well,” he began with a sigh. “I just have to make it through the last rose ceremony and the solo date.”

“Um, and it’s in the contract that you have to do that with Alexis?” David asked half-jokingly. “Because you’d be welcome to do that with me instead.”

Patrick laughed.

“Yes, it’s in the contract,” he said. “So, I have to pretend for one more day that I'm into her."

"But you said you didn't want to pretend one more day."

"Well, one more day and an overnight.”

“Excuse me, overnight?” David's brain was short-circuiting.

“Yeah, we have to stay in the fantasy suite overnight.”

David wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to do that, that Alexis was in love with Ted and knew Patrick was in love with him. And while he knew Patrick wasn’t a gossip, he couldn’t risk it getting out that Alexis didn’t want any of the bachelors. They had to go through the motions and she still had to pick one at the end. The gimmick was them telling the bachelors they weren’t rich, not that David falling in love with one of them and Alexis with none. The network would have a conniption. (Though, it would make _great_ TV.)

“Nothing’s going to happen,” Patrick assured him. 

“I know, thank _god_ ,” he said. “But I wish it could be me and you in there instead.”

“Agreed.” Patrick kissed him again. “We just have to make it to the end.”

“And then what?”

“We’ll figure it out.”

"God, reality shows are so convoluted," David groaned. "You'd think they would've had a contingency plan. They had a plan for if three bachelors got into a drunken naked fight in the pool, but not this."

"Well, I don't think most shows expect one of the contestants to fall for someone else on the show," Patrick said matter-of-factly.

"That's fair," he replied calmly, even though his heart was fluttering over hearing Patrick admit he was falling for him.

They shared a few more quick pecks before Patrick finally stepped back from David.

“I should probably get some sleep if I have to keep dating your sister for a few more days. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

David smiled.

“See you tomorrow,” he replied.

They walked through the doorway of the kitchen and into the hall where they had to go their separate ways. David quickly leaned over and kissed Patrick one more time for good measure.

At last, they reluctantly parted and David made the journey back to his room. He was floating. The most perfect man in the world professed his love for him and it was the happiest he’d ever been.

It wouldn’t be long until all of this was over and they could be together.

They just had to get through the overnight.


	6. marathon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Patrick take advantage of a rule change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, y'all! I had to push through some terrible writer's block and then kept getting inspired to write other stuff.
> 
> And I was wrong again. This isn't the last chapter. Whoops.
> 
> Enjoy!

For a man who only got a few hours of sleep, David felt fresh and awake. He knew the bags under his eyes were particularly horrendous, but it was nothing a little concealer couldn’t fix.

When he got back to his room after his conversation with Patrick, his fantasies came back full-force. There was no shame as he touched himself. He knew what Patrick tasted like, how he kissed, how his cock felt in his hand, and best of all, he knew how he felt, wholly and completely. His body was burning with desire for Patrick. And only a little time was between now and when they could finally be together.

Production was in full swing by the time David moseyed down to the parlor. He stopped at craft services to treat himself to one of the fancy donuts a PA had driven two hours roundtrip to retrieve. Sure, he had already eaten a full breakfast, but there were  _fan_ _cy donuts_. As he reached into the box to grab a second donut (a Bismarckto-go), Patrick appeared on the other side of the table.

“Couldn’t decide on which one to eat?” Patrick asked amusedly. 

“Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is my first one,” David lied. 

“Oh, then the powdered sugar on your cheek must be from the veggie platter, then,” he said dryly. 

“Um, those veggies are very powdery,” he said as he smiled and wiped his cheek. Anyone else would’ve received his derision for the rest of the day, but Patrick was perfect.

Patrick’s eyes flickered down to David’s lips and David knew what he was thinking.

“After the rose ceremony,” he whispered just loud enough for Patrick to hear.

Patrick nodded curtly before clearing his throat.

“Hey, Stevie!” he said warmly. Stevie sidled up next to David at the table.

“Hi guys,” she replied with a cheeky smile. “What’s going on over here?”

“Eh, nothing.”

“Not a thing, not a thing.”

She considered them both carefully before finally settling on Patrick.

“Patrick, Laura wants to talk to you,” she said.

“Great,” he said as he grabbed the exact Bismarck donut David was planning on eating. “I’ll see you later, David.” He winked and took a bite before heading over to the make-up artist for touch-ups.

David watched him walk away. He already missed him. (He may have also caught himself staring at Patrick’s ass.)

“Well, someone seems like they’re in a good mood,” Stevie said, nudging him with her elbow.

“Um, I’m always in a good mood,” David said evasively. He was suddenly very interested in the bowls of M&M’s on the table.

“Did you guys fuck?” she asked quietly with a mischievous grin.

David went into shock. Why was she asking him this question in such a public place?

“ _What?!_ No!” he said, glancing around them. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, come on,” she said, laughing. “You just have that glow about you. I know because I’ve seen it before.” He knew exactly what she was referencing.

He stepped closer to her and lowered his voice.

“Um, okay, but you have to promise not to tell anyone,” he said. She gave him an expectant look. “Um, I _did_ bump into him in the kitchen last night and he _might_ have told me how much he wants me. And we _might_ have made out for twenty minutes.”

“You _might_ have made out for twenty minutes?”

“It might’ve been thirty. I really wasn’t paying attention.”

Stevie looked scandalized.

“Wow, David,” she said. “Didn’t think you had it in you.”

“I’m full of surprises.”

“Well, let’s hope your sister picks him at the ceremony.”

“She will.”

David was certain. She had no reason to dick him around like that. She wasn’t interested in any of the remaining men, so why make David unhappy too? Then again, Alexis had the capacity to do things completely out of spite. Taking David down with her was a specialty.

“Are you sure?”

Now he wasn’t.

“Why do you have to play mind games like this?” he asked.

“It’s my job. And you should probably head over to your mark. It’s places.”

She held his gaze as she took the last Bismarck out of the box and took a huge bite.

“I hate both of you,” David said while she backed away from him. Since arriving on set, he’d say she was his best friend and yet she was the one constantly messing with his head. That’s what reality TV producers do, right? Get in their subjects’ heads so they do irrational things? It’s definitely not what best friends do. 

David was already doing an irrational thing by creeping behind everyone’s backs to be with one of the contestants.

He sighed and finally took his place for the rose ceremony.

“I cannot wait for these trials to be over,” Moira complained. “I am positively exhausted by the parade of suitors vying for Alexis’ hand.”

“Um, you do know that’s the whole purpose of why we’re here, right?” David said to her. 

“Well, it is certainly the most efficient she’s been at dating several men at once,” Johnny added as if that were to help. 

Moira groaned quietly as she leaned her face into Johnny’s shoulder. 

“Where is Alexis?” David asked. He glanced around them but she was nowhere in sight. 

As if on cue, Alexis rushed to her place, teetering on what appeared to be the highest stilettos in existence. She nervously tucked her hair behind her ears and adjusted the straps on her dress. 

“And where were you, missy?” Moira asked indignantly. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

“I was having stomach issues,” Alexis lied. Well, David knew it was a lie. He didn’t know how much his parents knew. 

“You were healthy as a horse before we started this series and now you’re beset with illnesses. This might be an omen, Alexis,” Moira chided. 

“Are you saying I’m going to _die?_ ” Alexis asked incredulously. 

“One day, dear,” Johnny said, reaching between them. “A long time from now. It’s something we should keep an eye on.”

Alexis groaned and rolled her eyes. David could tell she was stressed out.

The remaining four bachelors took their places across from the family. David couldn’t stop staring at Patrick who was staring right back. Patrick had been very flirty at craft services and apparently, he wasn’t going to stop there. He bit his lip as his eyes raked up David’s body and suddenly the room was very warm.

God, he couldn’t wait to kiss Patrick again.

Within minutes, the rose ceremony started and the host was going through the usual spiel. David was considerably less nervous than he had been at previous rose ceremonies because he _knew_ Patrick was going to be advanced since he and Alexis had struck a deal. His nervousness had been replaced with concern as to how they were going to get around this all-day date. And if he thought too much about the overnight in the suite, he was certainly going to throw up. 

_He_ wanted that overnight with Patrick. He wanted to lay next to him and worship every inch of skin on his body. He wanted to hold Patrick close as he entered David for the first time. He wanted to kiss him goodnight. He wanted Patrick to be the first person he saw when he opened his eyes.

Instead, he was crushed by the overwhelming heteronormativity of reality-dating shows.

“Moira, who will be getting roses from you today?” the host said with a small nod.

Moira took a minute to explain her choices because she obviously wanted more screen time. Then Johnny went and did the same and seemed rather defensive of his choices despite the fact no one was actively disagreeing with him. Regardless, Patrick was the only one with both of their roses.

“David, please distribute your roses,” the host said.

David’s heart hammered lightly against his chest as he stepped forward. His first rose went to the guy who talked about himself throughout all of dinner. There was no reasoning behind it other than he had a smoking hot body and the dentist needed to _go_.

“And my second rose will go to Patrick,” he said before turning to the man in question. Patrick smiled brightly at him which made David’s heart skip a beat. “You’ve been the one face through all of this I have wanted to see return week after week. And I honestly don’t know what I’d do if you went home.”

It was too much. He was showing his hand and being way too honest, but Patrick made him want to open up like a flower in spring.

Gingerly, he held the rose out. Patrick took it from him, letting their fingers brush ever so carefully. David had had sex with many, many people, but this small touch was one of the sexiest things he’d ever done. There were cameras on them but they’d found a way to flirt and it only made David want him more.

David retreated slowly back to his mark and he could feel his cheeks growing warm. He needed to get it together and not blow their cover.

It was Alexis’s turn and David couldn’t be bothered to listen to her. He was watching every little movement Patrick did while Alexis gave a rose to the dentist. Patrick kept stealing glances to David and all he was succeeding in was making David's fingers itch. He wanted to grab him and kiss him and spend another night like they did. There was nowhere he wanted to be than in Patrick's arms again.

So when he witnessed Alexis step in front of Patrick to give him a rose, his whole body became very warm.

"And I'm giving my second to Patrick," Alexis said as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "You've been so sweet and such a button, remembering all these little details about me and my family. I could definitely see myself falling in love with you."

David's stomach twisted. He knew she said that for the cameras, but it didn't make it easier to hear. It was only made worse by Patrick accepting the rose and saying, "I can too, Alexis."

As soon as the cameras were off Patrick, he gave David an apologetic look. It was all for show. Reality TV was never really real, was it?

As predicted, Patrick had a rose from each of the Roses and the next closest was the dentist with three. (What his family saw in that guy was absolutely beyond him. Was it the money? Because no amount of money would get David to listen to another rant about the importance of nightguards.)

"Congratulations to our two final bachelors who will have the opportunity to go on a day-long date with Alexis," the host said. "Come back next week to see if they'll get lucky in the fantasy suite. Goodnight!"

Oh, right. The fantasy suite.

The dejected bachelors were quickly escorted back to their rooms to pack while the other two lingered behind. His parents drifted toward the dentist to congratulate him while Alexis was suddenly gone. It took everything in David's power not to make a beeline to Patrick immediately after they cut.

Instead, Patrick came to him.

"I think your family likes me," Patrick said cheekily, casually showing off his four roses.

"Um, have you seen your competition? You didn't have the personality of cardboard or only talked about dentistry," David said sarcastically.

"But Dominic had washboard abs that I can only dream of achieving," he replied.

David wanted to reach out and put his hands on Patrick's stomach. He wasn't anywhere near the 5% body fat of the now-former contestant, though he wasn't necessarily soft either. Patrick was the perfect combination of muscle and fat that David loved, solid and sturdy.

"Well, you see how well those washboard abs worked out for him."

Stevie gently touched David's elbow as she appeared next to them.

"Hey guys, just wanted to tell you that Patrick's going first for the date and fantasy suite," she said before turning to Patrick. "So, you've got some things to do before the date in two days."

"I guess I do," Patrick said.

"And the EPs have decided that you can consult the family for ideas during your free time. So the embargo to the other side of the mansion has been lifted," she added. "You know, in case that's something you're interested in."

Patrick immediately looked to David.

"Yes, that's something I'm very interested in," he said. "David, would you be interested in starting on ideas like, right now? You know, since I'm going first."

"Um, yes, I'm very interested in helping you with ideas. Right now," David said.

"I'll let the other producers know if they ask about you," Stevie said before stepping away.

Blood was pounding in David's ears. He couldn't believe what Stevie just told them and judging by the wide-eyed look Patrick was giving him, he couldn't either.

"My room?" David asked, the words somehow sticking in his throat.

"Lead the way," Patrick answered.

They deftly moved through the production crew, past craft services, and into the hallway where they walked briskly to David's room. The walk was not that long, but it seemed like his bedroom had been suddenly moved a hundred meters further than it was. Patrick was on his heels the whole time.

David quickly ushered Patrick into his bedroom and once the door was shut behind them, Patrick pushed David against the wall, kissing him for everything he was worth. It was hot and wet and needy and David understood why because he felt the same. He spread his legs, grabbed ahold of Patrick's waist, and pulled him closer. He could feel the bulge of Patrick's slowly hardening cock against his own.

"Fuck, you feel so good," David murmured between kisses.

"Been waiting to do this since the bathroom," Patrick said as he kissed his way across David's jaw to his ear. "Couldn't stop thinking about you licking my cum off your hand. God, it was so fucking hot, David." He bit David's earlobe, gently tugging it with his teeth, before sliding his mouth down to kiss and suck at David's neck.

David pushed Patrick off him. Patrick looked momentarily confused until the back of his legs hit the bed and David was climbing on top of him. Together, they moved further onto the mattress, both kicking their shoes off as they did.

"I've wanted you since the winery," David said seductively as he unbuttoned Patrick's shirt and slowly rocked his hips, grinding his cock into Patrick's. "Alone in my room, jacking off to the thought of you fucking me into this very mattress. I've cum so many times thinking about you."

Patrick surged up and kissed David messily. His hands haphazardly shoved at David's sweater which was promptly removed and tossed to the floor. David succeeded in pulling off Patrick's button-down and let it join his sweater. It was a revelation to feel Patrick's skin against his as Patrick pulled him back down to lay on top of him. He was exactly as David imagined: not too muscled to look absurd, but solid enough that he could definitely pin David to the mattress.

Patrick's hands wandered across David's back and down the back of his jeans, grabbing his ass and encouraging him to hump him harder. Feeling Patrick's erection was making him so dizzy. He needed to see it, hold it, taste it.

David sat up and began opening Patrick's pants. Patrick extracted his hands from David's jeans and helped David by lifting his hips so they could get his pants completely off his body. David followed the fabric down so he could also get Patrick's socks off because there was no way he was going to have sex with anyone with socks on.

He dropped the last bits of Patrick's clothing to the floor and nearly gasped at the sight before him.

Patrick was gloriously naked and lounging on his bed. He complained he didn't have washboard abs, but holy shit, he was gorgeous. He was beautifully proportioned and one could tell he went to the gym to gain actual muscle, not just glamor muscles. His skin tone was so even, not a blemish in sight. And of course, his thick, hard cock was erect and resting tantalizingly on his stomach.

"I definitely dreamed you," David muttered to himself. How was _this_ man - this perfect man - in _his_ bed?

"Mm, no, I'm pretty certain I dreamed _you_ ," Patrick corrected him. He shifted, opening his shoulders up and gently stroking his cock. His eyes raked down David's body before locking onto David's own bulge. "Take off your pants, David."

David shivered. He was not prepared for that type of command, but he happily did as he as told, shoving his jeans and underwear to the floor. When he stood back up, he saw Patrick inhale deeply and tighten his grip on his cock.

David climbed back onto the bed to hover above Patrick, his knees bracketing Patrick's hips. Patrick gazed at him with dark eyes as he reached up to guide David to lay on top of him again. David lowered himself down and watched Patrick's breath hitch when the wet tip of his cock touched his stomach. Patrick briefly glanced down and let out a small, needy whine, as if he couldn't believe this was happening to him and he wanted to be sure it was indeed David's cock nudging his belly.

Once David was entirely on top of him, Patrick kissed him deeply, raking his fingers down David's back to his ass. Their cocks were pressed between their stomachs and the friction was delicious. Patrick's thick cock against his own was making David's mouth water. He remembered how Patrick tasted and oh, he wanted more.

"Can I suck your cock?" David asked point-blank.

Patrick's eyes widened, caught off-guard by the question. He nodded vigorously.

"Yes, please."

David smiled. He was even polite during sex.

He began kissing down Patrick's chest and he could feel goosebumps pricking up on Patrick's skin. His breathing was labored as he watched David situate himself between his legs and kiss across his hip to the base of his cock.

David had an idea of what he was dealing with when he jacked Patrick off in the bathroom. He knew Patrick's cock was thick, but this was heavenly. His cock was not too thick to hurt and just enough that David’s jaw would definitely ache in the morning.

He didn’t waste another second before filling his mouth with Patrick’s dick. He moaned loudly as he took him deeper, relaxing his jaw and his throat to take as much of him in as possible. Patrick let out a choked sob above him and fisted the duvet tightly.

“Oh, fuck, David,” Patrick gasped. “ _Fuck_.”

Patrick watched him in awe, his brow creased, mouth agape. David locked eyes with him as he dragged his lips up his length, then slowly back down. Patrick was utterly hypnotized by the sight in front of him, so David knew he had to give him a show. He closed his eyes and began to bob his head, blowing Patrick with gusto. Above him, Patrick muttered every curse word in the book. He was obviously enjoying it, except he was keeping his hands to himself. And that was not okay with David. He didn’t not endure weeks of romantic and sexual torture to not have Patrick touch him during sex.

He reached up and removed one of Patrick’s hands from the blankets. Though he was shaking with nerves, Patrick threaded his fingers through David’s hair. David slowed down his movement until Patrick took the hint and started directing David by the hair to suck him off at the pace he wanted. Patrick moaned, high and reedy, and soon he was pulling on David’s hair with both hands.

Oh, David loved it. His jaw was just starting to hurt and he couldn’t handle how much Patrick was losing it. He loved how Patrick tasted, how he tightened his grip when David gently ran his teeth along his length, how his moans grew in volume the closer he got. David could feel Patrick’s body tensing beneath him. He was desperately fighting his orgasm.

“David, David, David,” Patrick pleaded, tugging on David’s hair. 

David pulled off Patrick’s cock and let himself be hauled upwards. They met in a messy, devouring kiss. Patrick hooked a leg around David’s and David grabbed his thigh to hitch it higher on his hip. He began rolling his hips, grinding his cock against Patrick’s. It didn’t take long for Patrick to lift his other leg to wrap around David’s waist, his heels digging into David’s ass. 

After slightly adjusting his knees, David realized he was basically fucking Patrick. He thrust his hips imagining he was inside Patrick, his body hot and clenching around him. Patrick’s fingernails bit into David’s shoulder blades as he held on. David broke their kiss and pressed their foreheads together, their breath commingling.

“You like me fucking you?” David said hotly.

“Yeah,” Patrick replied. “God, fuck me, David.”

“Fuck, you’d feel so good on my cock,” he said. “Fuck you just like this. Fuck you whenever you ask, however you like. Fucking your tight ass open.”

“Tight virgin ass,” Patrick corrected him.

David let out a choked gasp.

Virgin? Of course. Patrick came to the mansion with a plan that didn’t involve falling for David, so it made sense he had never fucked a man before. Still, it was _blowing David’s mind._

“First man inside me,” Patrick continued. “Open me up with your cock - _fuck_ , want you so bad.”

David had condoms. He had lube. It was all in his nightstand.

“We could do that,” he said.

“What?”

“I could fuck you.”

Patrick’s eyes widened in surprise.

“ _Yes_.”

David was pretty sure he’d never moved so quickly in his life. He scrambled out from between Patrick’s legs to his nightstand. As he shuffled around for a condom, Patrick shifted on the bed, resting his head on David’s pillow. When David returned, he couldn’t breathe. This was what he imagined all this time. Spread out across the bed was one thing. Patrick resting against one of his pillows was a dream. It was not a tryst. It wasn’t something they were doing out of lust. Patrick wanted to be comfortable for when David fucked him. He may have been overthinking it, but even then, the way Patrick was gazing him with dilated pupils, a light sheen of sweat, and a rosy flush down his chest was stunning.

Without a word, Patrick grasped his thighs and tilted his hips up, presenting himself to David.

David tentatively reached out and ran his fingers across Patrick’s hole. Patrick shivered and moaned.

He wanted it so badly.

“Please, David,” he begged.

David poured lube on his fingers and did as he was asked. He watched Patrick as he slowly pressed a finger into him, looking for any sign of pain. Instead, he was treated to Patrick’s head tilting back and a long, low groan from deep in his chest. He was just beautiful like this.

He took all his cues from Patrick. He worked his finger into him until Patrick nodded and asked for another. He slid a second finger in and could feel Patrick’s body trying to fight against the intrusion. David smoothed a comforting hand along Patrick’s thigh, feeling the strong muscle under his palm. His fantasies of Patrick riding him could absolutely be reality. He brushed his hand over Patrick’s cock and felt it jump beneath his touch.

Patrick focused on his breathing and keeping himself relaxed.

“You’re doing great,” David murmured tenderly. Patrick gave him a dazed smile.

“I’m ready,” Patrick exhaled. 

“Are you sure?”

Patrick nodded.

“Absolutely.”

David’s heart was racing as he picked up the condom and tore it open. His hands quaked as he slid the latex over his cock.

They were doing this. This was really happening.

Patrick ran his fingers over David’s cock and let out a shuddering breath. He gave David a small smile.

“I’m ready,” he said again, a little stronger than before.

“Okay,” David replied.

David leaned over Patrick, putting one of his hands beside Patrick’s head on the pillow while lining his cock up with Patrick’s hole. Patrick stared at him with trusting eyes.

That’s when David began to push in.

Patrick’s jaw dropped open and his brow creased as David slowly slid into him. He was hot and tight like a vise and felt _amazing_. David took his time entering him, giving Patrick a chance to adjust and get used to the intrusion. He was taking him masterfully, and once David bottomed out and his hips were flush against Patrick’s ass, Patrick gave him the brightest smile. He pulled David in for a kiss and wrapped his legs around David's waist again.

David was completely enveloped by Patrick, a physical manifestation of how he captured his attention from the minute they met. He thrust carefully into him at an even pace and he was rewarded with happy, content moans from the man beneath him. He wasn't asking anything more of David than exactly what he was giving him. It made David feel so seen and loved. Patrick appreciated him for him, not just because he was a warm body.

"How do you feel?" David asked softly.

"Amazing," Patrick said with a brilliant smile.

"You feel incredible."

"You too.”

Patrick kissed him so softly, so sweetly, that David could’ve cried.

“You can go faster,” Patrick whispered. “I won’t break.”

David chuckled, then caught Patrick in another kiss as he did as he was told, fucking Patrick faster and harder. His hips smacked against Patrick’s ass and Patrick threaded his fingers through David’s thick hair. He folded Patrick just a little further and he got even tighter around David’s cock. It was glorious.

Patrick began to whine. He lost focus in kissing David and his body tensed up.

“David…!”

Then Patrick came hard between their stomachs.

Oh god, David just made Patrick cum from fucking him. He came with David’s cock in his ass. David was dizzy with the realization, not to mention on the verge of his own orgasm.

“C’mon, David,” Patrick murmured. “C’mon, c’mon. Want you so much…”

David’s eyes snapped shut and he buried his face in Patrick’s neck as he snapped his hips, driving his cock even faster into him. Patrick moaned faintly in David’s ear and that was it. David slammed his cock into Patrick and came, gripping Patrick’s shoulders to keep him on his cock.

Once he emptied the last of his cum in the condom, David finally collapsed on top of Patrick who put his feet down on the bed. He placed delicate kisses on David’s shoulder until David picked his head up to peck Patrick on the lips. 

Wordlessly, David pulled out of him and Patrick whined disappointedly. He sat up and peeled the condom off his softening cock, tied it up, and dropped it in the trashcan beside his bed. 

When he returned, Patrick grabbed him with a devious smile, kissed him, and rolled them so he was on top of David, settling between his legs. Oh, this was a view he liked even more.

“If this is the start of round two, I’m not there yet, but if you fingered me for like, 5 minutes, I could be rock-hard and ready to go in no time,” David said. Patrick laughed.

“Gonna save that for future reference,” Patrick said. “But no, I can’t go again that fast.”

David smoothed his hands across Patrick’s strong back. He couldn’t believe they just had sex! And it was so good! He was pretty sure their relationship peaked sexually with the handjob in the bathroom.

Patrick laughed again, this time more to himself.

“That was _so_ good,” he said. “I can’t believe it just happened.”

“Can’t believe it was good or…?”

“Oh, I knew it’d be good,” Patrick said seriously. “It’s just… been something I’ve been wanting for a while.”

“So you weren’t saying you had a ‘tight virgin ass’ just to get me to fuck you?”

“No, but it definitely had the desired result.”

“But you’d never had sex with a man before?”

“Can I tell you the truth?” Patrick asked. David nodded. “I’d never kissed a man before you.”

Never?! David was in shock. He didn’t know what to say.

“I’m so glad it was you,” he added before leaning down to kiss David.

God, David could do this all day.

Patrick pulled back to smile at David.

“Well, I’m glad you were able to start with the highest quality of experiences,” David said smugly.

“Not to inflate your ego, but that was definitely the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“I hate to remind you, but you don’t have a lot to compare it to.”

“So you’re saying it’s all downhill from here? Really selling yourself short there, David.”

David gave Patrick a look which only made Patrick chuckle and kiss David again.

He couldn’t believe he was laying in his bed with this gorgeously perfect man on top of him. It felt so natural and normal, like this was what they did after every sexual tryst. Patrick’s weight on his body was comforting and grounded him, reminding him this was not at all a dream. Patrick traced his fingers delicately along David’s collarbone, drawing shivers out of him.

"So what do you think I should do on this date with your sister?" Patrick asked, a slight smirk on his lips.

"Um, I don't really like to talk about my sister when I'm naked? If that makes any sense?" David said wryly.

"Mm, glad I started this conversation after you came inside me, then."

"You are not making this better."

"I'm not?"

"Believe it or not, no."

"Huh. Guess we should probably put our pants back on."

Patrick lifted himself off David who wasn't ready to move on. David sat up and kissed Patrick, pulling him back down on top of him.

"Fair point," Patrick said dreamily. "We do have all night..."

"We do," David echoed before leaning in and kissing Patrick again.

David was falling further in love with Patrick. Sure, the topic of conversation was not great, he was so charmed by how well suited Patrick's sense of humor was with his. It was dry and witty, and he managed to stay just outside of annoying David.

They made out for a long while. Slow, searching kisses that filled David with a warm, syrupy feeling from his toes to his fingertips. He already knew Patrick was a fantastic kisser (and an even better lay) but he was discovering how attentive and physical he could be. He would kiss David and gently pet at his hip or trace a finger along his ribs, sending shivers down David's spine. He liked to grab David's hair and tilt his head back to suck and bite at the tender parts of his neck. Their stubble would scratch together and it made David moan every time.

Meanwhile, he was learning that Patrick liked to have his hands pinned down, leaving him to whine desperately until David released him. He loved it when David lavished his earlobes and was especially responsive when David would make soft noises only he could hear. And when David would fleetingly brush his hole with a finger, Patrick would gasp sharply and shove his hips back, chasing David’s touch.

(He did eventually treat Patrick and fingered him as the last of the sunlight disappeared from David’s window. His skin glowed in the magic hour light.)

The room was dark, the only light provided by the moon and a distant production light on the patio. David’s head rested on Patrick’s chest as they chatted idly and Patrick played with David’s hair in a poor attempt to get it back to its former glory before their marathon began. Both were sticky with sweat and cum, but David didn’t want to move.

“I don’t know what I’d name the business,” David said. “Stevie was not helpful when I asked her.”

“What did she recommend?”

“Something simple. Schitt’s Creek isn’t known for its literacy skills.”

Just then, Patrick’s stomach growled loudly.

“I mean, I guess it is around dinnertime. Surprised no one’s come knocking on your door yet,” Patrick remarked.

“People knocked on your door for meals?”

“Yeah. What do they do with you?”

“Well, we just kinda show up and the food is there,” David said.

“Oh.”

“Um,” he said, sitting up to look at Patrick hopefully. “Maybe I could text Stevie and see if she’d bring us dinner in here? She already knows about everything so we might not even have to get dressed or anything.”

Patrick’s eyes narrowed. He looked uncertain.

“I think I’m gonna pass on a producer seeing me naked,” Patrick said. “I know she’s already seen you, but I want to keep mine and Stevie’s relationship strictly professional.”

“Fine,” David said. “Though she’d definitely appreciate what you’ve got going on. You know, professionally.”

Patrick chuckled softly. Silence stretched between them. David knew what was coming next.

“I think it’s time for me to go,” Patrick said as he tenderly stroked David’s cheek.

David sighed. He was right. They both needed to eat and Patrick actually had to work on his date plan. He would’ve had the same amount of time whether they had had sex or not, since David had no idea what kind of date Alexis would want to go on with Patrick. If it didn’t involve breaking several laws, was it a date with Alexis?

“I guess so,” he said, sighing.

Patrick kissed him, then climbed out of bed to inspect himself in David’s mirror as he dressed. He had marks all over his body and thankfully David had the forethought to leave them where they could be hidden from production. He watched Patrick skim his fingers over his skin, delicately pressing occasionally on the marks as if to figure out which ones he could touch and remind himself of David. When he reached the dark blooming hickey on his inner thigh, Patrick visibly shivered.

David was especially proud of that one.

Once he was dressed, Patrick leaned over the bed where David remained.

“I’ll see you later, David.”

“Bye, Patrick.”

They kissed one more time. Then Patrick was out the door, giving David one last glance over his shoulder before disappearing.

David flopped onto his bed. He just had sex with Patrick for… How long were they in there? He rolled lazily to retrieve his phone from his jeans pocket. David’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw the time.

They had sex for nearly eight hours.

How was that even _possible_?

The longest David had ever gone was two hours and most of that was because his ex forgot he had tied him to the bed.

Eight hours was a long time to spend in bed with someone where the main goal wasn’t sleeping.

Of course they didn’t have sex the _entire_ time. Just most of the time. And a lot of the sex they had was either blowjobs or handjobs. But it was still a lot of talking and kissing! He learned about Patrick’s time in college and a few of his hobbies, which included both reading and baseball, only one of which David could relate to. (Hint: it wasn’t baseball.) They discovered they liked reading the same types of books. Turns out David wasn’t the only one with strong opinions on _The Perfect Nanny_.

But yes, David spent much of that time erect and fucking Patrick in some regard.

David was certain they would’ve gone for longer if Patrick didn’t have homework.

His stomach twisted.

Patrick had to go on a date with Alexis, showing her all the affection he spent the better part of the day giving David. The audience would think of them as being this perfect couple and David was the dirty little secret.

Wouldn’t be the first time.

He didn’t know why he was like this. He knew what Patrick thought of him. He didn’t have to question whether his flirtations with Alexis were performative or not. He was jealous Alexis got to have this charmed life and date boys in front of millions of people.

David wanted to be the star of his own romance, not the sidekick to someone else.

He quickly fired off a text to Stevie requesting that dinner be brought to his room. She replied affirmatively, that she’d be there with his food shortly. He got dressed and not too long after Stevie showed up carrying a styrofoam container. She stepped into the room and her eyes widened in shock.

“Oh, David, you’re gonna have to air out this room,” she said. “I’d say it smells like sex in here, but that’s putting it lightly.”

“In case you were wondering, it was really, really good, too,” he replied as he sat back down on the bed.

“You know, I wasn’t, but I’m happy for you.”

She handed him the container and he scooted back far enough for her to join him. Instead, she continued to stand there. David took a bite of cornbread and patted the duvet next to him.

“I know what you did on that bed for eight hours. Pass,” she said definitively. 

She instead grabbed one of the big armchairs and dragged it over to the bed.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

He knew she wasn’t asking about the sex.

“Well,” he said around a mouthful of roasted cauliflower. “I’m not too thrilled he’s going on a date with my sister where they’re gonna sleep over in a fantasy suite.”

“I understand. But I don’t think you have much to worry about.”

“I know, but it’s the principle of the thing. Why can’t I have that?”

“I think you did. In here. For _eight hours_.”

He waved her off with his plastic fork.

“She’s in love with Ted, so I know she’s not gonna try anything with Patrick.”

“She’s what?”

Oh shit. David wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Damn, Stevie was good at getting him to let his guard down. Is this what having friends was really like?

“Um, she, uh…” He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t lie to her. “She’s in love with Ted. She thinks Patrick’s great and who the fuck knows why she picked the dentist, but it’s the medic she’s got her eye on.”

“Interesting,” she said, considering his words. “Good to know.”

“You cannot tell her I said anything because even though we’re not sharing a room right now, I’m pretty sure she’d still come in here and smother me with a pillow.”

“Scout’s honor.” Stevie held up three fingers in a salute.

“Were you a scout?” he asked, desperately wanting to change the subject to not his love life.

“Yeah, from kindergarten through sophomore year.”

“Really? You don’t strike me as the ‘be kind to others’ type.”

“Well, you’d be surprised at just how little there is to do in small towns when you can’t drink.”

“So why’d you quit sophomore year?”

“That’s when I started drinking.”

“Yup, that checks out.”

Stevie sat with him for a while, well after he finished his food, just talking to him about whatever. It was nice to get his mind off the whole reality show situation. And without alcohol, no less. He was surprised he was able to think about anything other than Patrick after their marathon sex session. Stevie was really good at calming him down. He knew it was part of her job, but this went beyond a producer’s duties.

The spaces in their conversation were growing longer as David was starting to nod off and Stevie was yawning more.

“Are you gonna fall asleep?” Stevie drawled.

“Yeah, probably,” David replied sleepily.

“You gonna sleep in those jeans?”

David whined. He forgot he was gonna have to change and get ready for bed. The bathroom was suddenly very far from his room.

Stevie stumbled up from her chair.

“Unbutton your pants,” she said.

“What?”

“Unbutton your pants.”

“Um, I don’t want to have sex with you. I mean, it was great, but I’m with Patrick now,” David said.

“No, dumbass,” she replied. “I’m gonna help you get your pants off.”

David groaned and undid his pants as she requested. Stevie grabbed the legs of his jeans and pulled the tight fabric off his body. She dumped them on the floor.

“Sweater?”

David sat up enough for her to assist him in removing it. Suddenly he was just in his underwear. He shivered.

“Wow, he really marked his territory,” Stevie said, remarking on the amount of bites and scratches he got from Patrick.

David chuckled as he maneuvered his way under the blankets.

“You should see him.”

“Nah, I don’t want to blur the professional line.”

“Huh. That’s what Patrick said.”

“Anyway,” Stevie said. “I’m gonna go. Goodnight, David.”

“Goodnight, Stevie,” he slurred. 

With that, Stevie disappeared.

David quickly fell asleep and dreamed of Patrick.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can follow me on tumblr @davidrosesfiance


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